Sky News sell-off will ruin our 
lives, warn Guardian readers

ONE of the greatest Guardian reader conspiracy theories of the last 20 years was under threat last night after Rupert Murdoch agreed to sell Sky News.

Dozens of left-wing people across north London warned their lives would be rendered hollow and meaningless unless Murdoch was given free rein to turn Sky into an ultra-right wing news channel pumping Christian free-market hate ideology into the homes of millions of lower middle class sheep.

Murdoch agreed to the sell-off yesterday as the price for his greater goal of making even more money by giving people lots of telly programmes they want to watch.

Julian Cook, a think-tank consultant and self-certified writer from Finsbury Park, said: “Think of the blogs, think of the comment threads under Guardian articles about anything, think of the dinner parties, oh sweet Jesus, think of the dinner parties.

“I can’t keep complaining about the Daily Mail. It’s like phoning the police every time your 85 year-old neighbour walks down the street in her underpants. I needed this.”

Helen Archer, a gender economist from Highgate, said: “I’d made a cake with ‘Fox News UK’ on it and a picture of Murdoch eating a cake in the shape of Britain. It was very clever.

“I can only assume the sell-off is part of some even greater and more evil conspiracy, almost like something out of Boardwalk Empire, whatever that is.”

Stephen Malley, a man who really gets paid to talk about the media, said: “I was never convinced by the Fox News UK theory given that when I saw Kay Burley interviewing Gordon Brown during the election campaign I was pretty sure she was about 30 seconds away from licking mayonnaise off his bellend.

“That said a News Corp take-over will raise fresh concerns that channels like Sky Arts will be forced to continue to be slightly better than BBC2 used to be.”

Helen Archer added: “It looks like I’ll have to resurrect my 1998 theory that News Corp is just a front for a global heroin dealing operation and that Murdoch is the king of a secret country in central Asia that I think is called ‘Makkapakkastan’.”


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Skinheads switch to haute couture

SKINHEADS are ditching Fred Perry shirts, bomber jackets and heavy boots in favour of the daring but elegant lines of Parisian haute couture.

Across Britain hundreds of bull-necked, shaven-headed men with heads like angry thumbs have become instant fans of John Galliano’s innovative use of taffeta and Neo-Nazi tirades.

Bigoted skinhead ringleader Tom Logan said: “I never really liked my black MA-1 bomber jacket, it was just so dowdy.

“Elasticated cuffs? Please. Why hide your wrists, especially if they’re decorated with fetching, home-tattooed swastikas?

“But I just love the way John’s luxuriant fabrics billow around my shoulders when I’m kicking the fuck out of someone in an underpass.”

He added: “We’ve lined Fred Perry’s pockets for decades but all he ever did was knock a tennis ball around, which is not in itself particularly racist. In fact, it’s borderline gay.”

Roy Hobbs, a stocky, volatile man from Hatfield, said: “John’s leopard print cape, teamed with burgundy velvet pantaloons and steel toe-capped neon sandals have become my default fighting wear.

“I’ve actually had a lot of compliments from homosexuals, which is really very nice of them. Who knows, perhaps being introduced to cutting edge couture via John Galliano’s fascism could be the thing that finally opens my eyes and makes me realise we’re all one.

“But probably not.”

Meanwhile, fashion expert Stephen Malley said: “John Galliano’s fondness for Hitler seems to be based mainly on the gas chambers which, of course, were also used to kill thousands of gay men. Like John Galliano.

“Just because you live in Paris and can draw a fancy frock doesn’t mean you’re not a monstrous fucking cretin.”