Socgen Offers 0% On Balance Transfers Up To €50 Billion

SÓCÍÉTÉ Générálé is launching a new card offering six months interest-free credit on balance transfers of up to €50 billion. 

The bank said that despite the recent credit squeeze it expected a high level of successful applicants.

Pierre Proudhon, SocGen's head of credit, said: "This product is all about busy, modern lifestyles.

"It says, 'you are a high-flying executive who deserves your rewards and needs to play as hard as you work'.

"It says, 'enjoy the good things in life – a new suit, a five star hotel, six months of chaotic trading on the international futures market'."

Proudhon said applicants should earn at least €100,000 a year and have a desperate, far away look in their eyes.

Meanwhile several leading board members at Sócíété Générálé have expressed astonishment after learning what stockbrokers actually do.

Jean-Claude Defarge said: "Are you seriously suggesting that the value of things can change from day to day and there is no guarantee that things will always be the price you want them to be? This must be, how you say, stopped." 

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Davos Celebrates Another Year Of Frantic Masturbation

THE small Swiss town of Davos was last night celebrating another successful year of A-grade horseshit and frenzied wanking.

As the World Economic Forum draws to a close, the organisers said they had established a new benchmark in meaningless exchanges and empty, ego-driven promises.

Bruno Schmerz, deputy chairman of the grandstanding committee, said: "We can still pull them in. Gates, Sting, that guy that used to hang around Downing Street thinking about trains.

"Even Gordon Brown turned up. Don't get me wrong, it was lovely to see him, but what the hell was he doing here?

"His country is going down Der Poopenschläft but he still finds time to hop over to the Alps for a couple of days.

"Mind you, he does love to sit down with old chums like Greenspan and Bono and have a right good wank."

The organisers said this year's event set a new record for the number of billionaires who arrived by helicopter to talk about the ghastliness of poverty.

Schmerz added: "Davos has once again fulfilled its key objective, which is to allow executives and academics to spend part of the year talking about how they are going to Davos and then spend the other part of the year talking about what Davos was like."

Next year's highlights will include Der ÜberWänk, when all the delegates will gather in the main hall for 20 minutes of frantic, communal self-abuse.