SPONSORED FEATURE: Why you should have a pre-payment meter if you f**king know what's good for you, by British Gas

TIRED of wrestling with your less-expensive direct debit? Why not upgrade to a pre-payment meter we’ll even install for you? Don’t make us ask twice. You’ll regret it.

It’s easy to set up

Direct debits take a couple of clicks to set up, which is a right faff. Meanwhile pre-payment meters are a doddle. No need to arrange a date or time, or even unlock your front door. We’ll rock up when we want, force our way in and do all the hard work for you. You’ll be paying more for less in no time.

No more overspending

Dreading the next envelope with ‘British Gas’ written on it in big scary letters dropping through your letterbox? Put that fear behind you with a pre-payment meter. Thanks to the top-up card you’ll only buy the energy you can afford, then spend the rest of your time sitting in the dark and cold with no power. It’s good for the environment, too.

We’ll leave you alone afterwards

Look, once we’ve broken in and installed your pre-payment meter, you won’t hear from us again, capeesh? And that’s all you really want, no more pestering letters, no more reminder emails. Just lovely peace and quiet. And that’s what you’ll get if you just f**king let us in for five minutes, so open up already, you little scrote.

More money for us

God, those Shell profits are outrageous, aren’t they? Especially with the cost-of-living crisis going on. Do your bit to eat into their earnings by switching to us instead and setting up a pre-payment meter. You won’t see any benefit, but at least you aren’t propping up one energy firm in favour of another. So come on, let us in. Now.

We know where you live

Right, you can have a pre-payment meter the easy way or the hard way. The latter involves crowbars and gets pretty ugly and you don’t want that. We’ve got ways of making you sign up to them, but just agree to it and nobody gets hurt. Otherwise we’ll do it when you’re out because we know where you live. And where your kids go to school. But hopefully it won’t come to that.

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Who was Prince Harry's cougar? We rate the candidates

PRINCE Harry lost his virginity to an older woman in a field behind a pub, but who was the lucky cougar who took the prize? We outline the runners and riders.

Kirstie Allsopp

An older woman, posh, not afraid to luxuriate in abundant outdoor space: Kirstie Allsopp has her name all over this one. Knowing that a gift is more memorable if it’s handmade, she reached into the Prince’s breeches to make an offer well above asking price. He found the accommodation snug but extremely comfortable.

Odds: 28-1

Joan Collins

Invented the cougar with her appearances on Dynasty, which Harry no doubt watched with his mother as it was about posh rich people just like them, and has remained our national cougar for 40 years. The encounter was arranged by King Charles III, who paid trumpeters to blow a fanfare the moment his son went off.

Odds: 22-1

Kristen Scott Thomas

The Guardian reader’s cougar, with her command of French and air of icy discouragement, Scott Thomas considers herself above mere sex but made an exception for Royal blood, while making cutting remarks and delivering devastating side-eye. Ever since, Harry can only orgasm while being belittled.

Odds: 15-2

Katie Price

‘She liked horses, quite a lot,’ Harry wrote, and who is more equestrian-obsessed than huge-busted reality star Jordan? Familiar with taking the virginity of national sweethearts since her brutal deflowering of Gareth Gates and no stranger to a quick f**k round the back of a busy pub, the model did her civic duty.

Odds 7-1

Dame Judi Dench

Sexual powerhouse Dame Judi has had them all, from Sir Lawrence Olivier to Timothée Chalamet, and couldn’t resist adding a Royal to the notches on her bedpost. The national treasure method-acted her way to a command performance then went off to give Daniel Craig one again.

Odds: 3-1

Kate Middleton

Posh families are just like the ones on the cover of Take A Break: always rowing, drunk and shagging. The Duchess of Cambridge as was had cleared three bottles of Krug when she invited her brother-in-law into a field for a smoke. One thing led to another. No wonder Wills is so f**king furious.

Odds: Evens