BRITAIN’S biggest newspaper is switching its production and target audience to Britain’s prisons.
A team of jailed journalists, writing and publishing the newspaper from their cells, will market the Sun to those serving sentences for theft, assault and sex crimes, requiring a minimal shift in its editorial policy.
A spokesman said: “The Sun has always catered to an audience obsessed with violence and masturbation.
“Who else could possibly want photos of the TOWIE girls out on the town apart from some banged-up nutter who hasn’t seen a woman in years?
“Who needs to read detailed reports of football matches except people who can’t watch Match of the Day?
“And why would any newspaper print pictures of topless women if it wasn’t for an audience so desperate for sexual gratification they’ll tear it out and stick it to their cell wall with their own dick paste?”
He added: “And, of course, now we can pinpoint the exact location of paedophiles, rather than the usual guesswork.”
A handful of changes to the newspaper are expected. Captain Crunch will be replaced by Captain Sodomy and the name of White Van Man will be changed to Heavily Tattooed White Supremacist.
Meanwhile, experts stressed that if Sun editor Dominic Mohan wanted to defend press freedom he should print photos of all the arrested journalists on the front page beneath a massive headline that just says, ‘GUILTY’.
Media lawyer Julian Cook said: “It would prejudice any future trial so completely that the case would collapse, but Mohan would go to jail for contempt. I keenly await his act of courage.”