Sun to be produced in prison for prison

BRITAIN’S biggest newspaper is switching its production and target audience to Britain’s prisons.

A team of jailed journalists, writing and publishing the newspaper from their cells, will market the Sun to those serving sentences for theft, assault and sex crimes, requiring a minimal shift in its editorial policy.

A spokesman said: “The Sun has always catered to an audience obsessed with violence and masturbation.

“Who else could possibly want photos of the TOWIE girls out on the town apart from some banged-up nutter who hasn’t seen a woman in years?

“Who needs to read detailed reports of football matches except people who can’t watch Match of the Day?

“And why would any newspaper print pictures of topless women if it wasn’t for an audience so desperate for sexual gratification they’ll tear it out and stick it to their cell wall with their own dick paste?”

He added: “And, of course, now we can pinpoint the exact location of paedophiles, rather than the usual guesswork.”

A handful of changes to the newspaper are expected. Captain Crunch will be replaced by Captain Sodomy and the name of White Van Man will be changed to Heavily Tattooed White Supremacist.

Meanwhile, experts stressed that if Sun editor Dominic Mohan wanted to defend press freedom he should print photos of all the arrested journalists on the front page beneath a massive headline that just says, ‘GUILTY’.

Media lawyer Julian Cook said: “It would prejudice any future trial so completely that the case would collapse, but Mohan would go to jail for contempt. I keenly await his act of courage.”


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Rangers pledges sectarianism as usual

MURDEROUS chant enabler Rangers last night pledged financial meltdown will not interfere with all the hating.

Going into administration could cost the Glasgow giants 10 points in the Scottish ‘Premier’ League, putting them within 25 points of everyone apart from Celtic, but the club urged fans to remain positive and continue thinking up new rhymes for ‘Ratzinger’.

A spokesman said: “As long as there’s a Rangers, there will always be one half of Glasgow wishing the other half dead. Everyone should carry on with their sectarian grudges and post-match domestic abuse as normal.”

The club faces a potentially fatal £49m tax bill while season ticket sales have dropped since a ban on singing songs about being ‘up to one’s knees in Fenian blood’.

Now Rangers officials are to meet with UK Jihad ‘tsar’ Abu Qatada to discuss new ways of making religious hatred more revenue dynamic.

Ideas include blackmailing priests, Fuck the Pope Bingo and an iPhone app that can identify Catholics by measuring the width of their skulls.

Meanwhile, Celtic fans have set up a Rangers rescue fund after realising that without their Old Firm rivals their lives would be utterly hollow. Celtic fan Bill McKay said: “You’ve seen the football. No-one is coming here for the football.”

The Rangers spokesman added: “It would be very easy to play the blame game, but the unavoidable truth is that the inland revenue is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Opus Dei.”

The club also pledged to continue buying carpet-baggers who couldn’t hack it in a proper league and getting its arse handed to it in Europe by teams with names like Vlodzy Kravnaj.