BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.
The regulator called for a hero to come forth, armed only with a simple, wooden shield and an unshakeable desire to pay way over the odds for organic courgettes.
The Grand High Competition Commissioner told all the people of the land: "The horned beast has lain waste to our fields, our towns and those football pitches at the back of the bus station.
"It has devoured Mr Philips, the baker, Mr Stevens, the fishmonger, and Mr Johnson, the greengrocer, whose only crime was to think he could get away with charging £3.75 for a bag of seedless grapes, the greedy little shit."
He added: "What brave, young squire will save us from ample parking, cash machines, comparatively cheap petrol and aisle after aisle of low, low prices?
"One day soon, good people, our villages and towns will again be filled with little shops that are only open for three hours a day, never have anything you want and where you are forced to make small talk with people you don't like.
"Yes, it has been a bit chilly this week. Yes, the council are taking for ever to put in that new bus stop, and yes, this small jar of mayonnaise is indeed £4.50!"