Supermarkets Must Be Stabbed Through The Heart Under A Full Moon, Says Regulator

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

The regulator called for a hero to come forth, armed only with a simple, wooden shield and an unshakeable desire to pay way over the odds for organic courgettes.

The Grand High Competition Commissioner told all the people of the land: "The horned beast has lain waste to our fields, our towns and those football pitches at the back of the bus station.

"It has devoured Mr Philips, the baker, Mr Stevens, the fishmonger, and Mr Johnson, the greengrocer, whose only crime was to think he could get away with charging £3.75 for a bag of seedless grapes, the greedy little shit."

He added: "What brave, young squire will save us from ample parking, cash machines, comparatively cheap petrol and aisle after aisle of low, low prices?

"One day soon, good people, our villages and towns will again be filled with little shops that are only open for three hours a day, never have anything you want and where you are forced to make small talk with people you don't like.

"Yes, it has been a bit chilly this week. Yes, the council are taking for ever to put in that new bus stop, and yes, this small jar of mayonnaise is indeed £4.50!"

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Scientist Devoured By Eat-As-Much-As-You-Like Mouse

THE scientist who invented a mouse that could eat as much as it liked without getting fat has been found dead in his laboratory with his body covered in tiny teeth marks. 

Dr Wayne Hayes of the Australian Mouse Institute was discovered on his lab floor surrounded by piles of mouse dropping and vomit, with his flesh gnawed down to the bone.

Colleagues paid tribute to the world-renowned researcher saying he had devoted his life to messing around with mice for the good of mankind.

Nikki Hollis, Hayes’ long term lab assistant, said: "I left him in the lab late on Tuesday, it was nearly midnight and I said 'Wayne, you’ve got to rest.'

"But he said: 'No, Nikki, I’m just going to remove this angiotensin converting enzyme and I feel sure I can create a mouse that can eat whatever it wants but still be 20% lighter than normal with 60% less body fat.'

"I was so tired I just left him to it. Next morning we came back in and all that was left was a skeleton and this skinny looking rat thing with a very nasty look in its eye. Dave hit it with a shovel before it could go for anyone else."

Dr David Hobbs added: "It was total carnage in there. It looks like the mouse devoured him from the feet up, while he was still alive.

"He invented a mouse with super strong forearms last year and I think that must have helped hold him down. I asked the talking mouse with the ear on its back if it knew what happened. But it said it didn’t see a thing."