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'Supposedly hard Northerners can't handle a few cancelled trains?' sneers TransPennine Express

BOSSES at TransPennine Express thought it would take more than a few cancellations to trigger Northerners, who have turned out to be soft as shite, they have revealed.

The outgoing rail operator was under the impression that people up North were made of sterner stuff and would not be fazed by problems as minor as multiple-hour delays, piss-poor service and no trains at all.

A company spokesperson said: “We only cancelled trains on an hourly basis because we thought you were tough enough to take it. Clearly we were wrong and you’re all a bunch of pussies.

“What did you want us to do? Arrive on time, serve you with a smile, and not treat you like shit on our shoes? So much for bluff Northerners who’ll twat you for looking at their pie. 

“Cancelling trains was meant to put hairs on your chests, and God knows you need them. I’d tell you to man up, grow a pair and get over it but that’ll probably make you cry. Boo hoo hoo. That’s you.

“You’re not going to like this, but Southerners are hard as nails compared to you. Avanti is sadistically tormenting customers every single day but they keep dusting themselves off and coming back for more. It’s impressive how much punishment they can take.

“Anyway, enjoy the government running the show, snowflakes. I’m sure they’ll make it vaguely work until the next election then leave you with one train a day from Shitville to Bumhole which is cancelled anyway.”

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Having a face like a badger's arse: Six secrets of Ed Sheeran's success

CLEARED of plagiarism, Ed Sheeran can focus on his career of being the Tesco oven chips of pop. So what are the secrets of his slightly mystifying success?

The relatable authenticity of the name ‘Ed’

Eddie, Teddy or Edward Sheeran would not have impacted on the British consciousness. No. He’s just ‘Ed’, short and stumpy, like the man himself. 

His twin heritage of Halifax and Suffolk

Sheeran hit the jackpot by being born in Halifax, home of landmarks like the Halifax Tourist Centre. But then to move to Suffolk, not known as ‘the backside of Britain’ for nothing, was a double boon. The diverse cultural influence of these two fascinating places must have been massive, providing inspiration for brilliant songs such as all his brilliant songs.

Having a face like a badger’s arse

When a man is making love and his partner has a faraway look in her eyes, is it Ed Sheeran she’s fantasising about? F**k no. Ed’s all right by Britain’s men. Have a platinum disc on us, mate!

Songs so shit they must be heartfelt

Most pop on Radio 1 is too slick and immaculate, as though it’s been through some sort of elaborate studio process of making it sound ‘good’. Clearly, that’s not happened with Sheeran’s songs. They are raw, untreated sewage pumped directly into the ears of the public, bearing the honest stench of excrement.

He’s not a nine-piece boy combo from South Korea

Ed deserves credit for making homegrown pop that can hold its own against the cultural juggernaut of K-Pop, which he has achieved by not being South Korean and several boys. Although frankly K-Pop is better. 

Doing a wedding song 

The true key to his success. Who cares about the quality when Shape of You is played at every wedding of couples with unadventurous musical tastes, providing the soundtrack for wonderful memories of granddad shuffling around the dancefloor like a twat, little Liam vomiting up his meal and a fight in the car park?

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