Tardy Shoppers Slaughtered By Minotaur

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco claims to have solved the problem of late shoppers by letting Minotaurs loose at 9.50pm.

The company said customers who previously ignored tannoy announcements asking them to proceed to the checkouts are much more co-operative when faced with 15ft of snorting half-man half-bull.

Stephen Malley, manager of the Colchester store, said: “There is nothing better at focusing the mind than witnessing someone being ripped apart by a Minotaur in aisle 16, cereals and canned goods.

“Before there was a slow dawdle, now there’s a stampede. It means we can get on with restocking after we’ve mopped up the guts and eyeballs and stuff.”

Nikki Hollis, an area manager from Merseyside, added: “Our staff are getting home earlier and there are 37 fewer Liverpudlians this week. Win, and indeed, win.”

Tesco said it will now extend the mythical beast customer service initiative, including a Griffin at the end of each checkout that will claw at slow packers with its massive talons, while Scylla the Winged Harpy will pick off anyone who tries to nip back for a box of Tena Lady.

Hollis said: “We’ve actually managed to push up numeracy standards. In our stores five items or less means exactly what it says – or the Cyclops will pull your arms off and then make you count the fingers on each hand.”

But some pilot schemes have been less successful. Cambridge store manager, Helen Archer, said: “Our customers spent 20 minutes debating whether the Minotaur was actually a late adaptation of the Phoenician Baal-Moloch.

“By the time they were finally eaten it had gone quarter-past.”

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Concern Grows Over Ninja School Standards

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

Over the last decade, ninja schools have shifted their focus from traditional subjects like Stealth, Throat Cutting and Invisibility towards modern options such as Ninjas In The Media and Kabuki Theatre Studies.

Martin Bishop, a feudal warlord from Stourbridge, said: “We’re seeing supposedly qualified youngsters who can’t even throw a shuriken straight, never mind negotiate a trap-filled enemy stronghold while remaining invisible as the breeze yet deadly as the scorpion’s sting.

“I take them on in good faith, but inevitably they dishonour me, my family and my ancestors with their wretched incompetence.”

He added: “I’ve spoken to other warlords and clan leaders, during periods of fragile truce, and they all say the same. Nowadays I get all my assassins from overseas.”

Margaret Gerving, head teacher at the Red Mantis Community Ninja College in Romford, said: “We’re not just churning out implacable masked killers, we’re trying to create a more well-rounded ninja who can express himself openly and understand his place in society.

“Our students call their sensei by his or her christian name – for instance ‘Toby’ rather than ‘master’. And weapons training sessions are optional, because we appreciate that they might not want to be whirling nunchuks around in a sweaty dojo when it’s a nice sunny day outside.

“It’s a more holistic approach that produces a much happier assassin.”

Stephen Malley, a student at the college, said: “It’s cool, the senseis are a real laugh and you don’t have to wear ninja stuff like in the old days, you can turn up in jeans or whatever.

‘I’m even not sure if I really want to be a ninja. I’ve heard there’s fairly decent money in marketing.”