A GROUP of music ‘experts’ were last night being assessed by
psychologists after Lily Allen won three awards for song writing.
Tests will establish whether the Ivor Novello Award judges are suffering from drug-induced auditory hallucinations, post-traumatic stress disorder or whether they just have some kind of inner ear infection.
Musicologist Julian Cook said: “How they pinpointed Lily Allen’s musicianship without an electron microscope is as big a mystery as why someone would pay for it in the first place.
“If I want to listen to a bored trustafarian tunelessly intone doggerel over a cod-reggae beat then… well… I would say goodbye to my wife, walk to the bottom of the garden and launch myself feet first into the wood chipper.
“The resultant cacophony will be more melodic than The Fear and mercifully half as long.”
Cook stressed the Ivor Novello awards have been a 55-year exercise in musical schizophrenia, as for every John Lennon that wins one there is a Gary Barlow waddling up to the podium like 17 stone of defective rhyming dictionary.
He added: “Which brings us, as it always must, to Mr Sting.
“The only legitimate way of presenting Sting with a bronze statuette is in a darkened alley, at great speed, and to the back of his beardy head.
“And with any luck he’ll be out for a late evening stroll with Bono and they’ll be meeting up with Robbie Williams and Coldplay.
“And Keane and Paolo Nuttini and Snow Patrol and that floppy haired nonce that used to be in the army and… I’m sorry, I blacked out for a moment there.”