Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

The company, which is demanding the right to raise bills by 50 per cent as compensation for providing a terrible service, is not only talking total shit but is packed with shit as an investment.

Market analyst Julian Cook said: “Thames Water is in the shit because of its inability to deal with its shit, both real and metaphorical. It is, in every sense, a shit business.

“When you’re paid to treat sewage and instead you’re pumping 72 billion litres of it into the river Thames, you are doing a shit job of doing your shit job. And then you’re asking investors for £500 million? Shit no.

“And when a government dead against any form of nationalised industry – a government, incidentally, right on the river you’re filling with ordure – is planning to nationalise you? Then you’re up shit creek, or ‘the Thames’ as we call it.

“Thames Water is £18.3bn in debt, facing millions in fines, and flinging turds around like there’s no tomorrow. It has lost its shit. Honestly, it’s a shitshow.”

London resident Nathan Muir said: “Its tap water really is delicious, though. Mmm. Might fix myself another glass.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

John Lennon, and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today

CAN you imagine the famously gobby John Lennon if he had been let loose on Twitter? Here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us.

John Lennon

John Lennon thoroughly enjoyed provoking people, such as when he told an American journalist in 1968 that the Beatles were ‘more popular than Jesus’. If he was alive now and had access to Twitter he’d have several million followers and be firing off controversial opinions left, right and centre. Alternatively he might have mellowed and be showbiz mates with Noel Gallagher. Neither would be good.

Diana, Princess of Wales

Diana would surely have embraced Instagram and been the ultimate hun, snapping herself necking bottles of champagne with the girls and taking her turn as a celebrity judge on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. She’d be a lot of fun on social media, but the sheer quantity of self-promoting content she’d produce would soon start to annoy people, and her Royal mystique would be lost. A bit like Meghan and Harry, but less crushingly earnest.

Sid Vicious

Sid Vicious lived fast and died young, and unfortunately helped Nancy Spungen do likewise. We can easily imagine what would have happened to Sid if he’d lived by looking at Johny Rotten. Playing in a series of increasingly rubbish bands, topped off with a stint on I’m A Celebrity and an advert for an incredibly non-punk product, which would have squandered what tiny shreds of credibility he had left. ‘Should have gone to Specsavers,’ Sid would mutter pathetically.


Elvis would be a nonagenarian if he were still alive, which puts him slightly beyond the Boomer age group, but he’d tower over our culture like a curmudgeonly old grandad whose opinion holds more weight than everyone else’s. And being an old git he’d no doubt disapprove of today’s hyper-sexualised youth culture, despite being the one who invented gyrating your pelvis in the first place. He would have harsh words for Miley Cyrus.

Jim Morrison

Jim Morrison was into mysticism and opening your mind to different realities, so he’d be highly susceptible to online conspiracy theories. He’d constantly be on Facebook, posting wild theories about chemtrails and the Tartarian Empire and calling anyone who disagreed with him a shill for the MSM. The upside is he’d have no time for singing, which he was never very good at.

Enid Blyton

Enid Blyton would be 157 by now, but she would have fitted right in in 2024, weirdly. Chances are she’d be railing against the forces of woke stopping people enjoying golliwogs, plus doing some fat shaming and being rude about foreigners and suspicious of gipsies. She’d probably be offered the job of chair of the Conservative Party for her opinions. Poor Enid, born into the wrong era.