Friday, 22nd January 2021

The Brexiter's guide to buying British

BREXIT has finally happened, it’s a great success, your next car should be a Morris Traveller and your next computer an Amstrad. Alongside these patriotic purchases: 

A mobile phone

Samsung and Huawei are spying on you, so you need a mobile that hasn’t been infiltrated by nasty foreign parts. Getting a GPO bakelite rotary phone in a 30lb backpack with a sturdy British 50ft steel aerial is the future. Internet available by writing to the manufacturer with 14 days’ notice.

Food

The supermarket is out as even Sainsburys, that most British of shops, is part-owned by Qatar. Try outdoor markets run by ruddy-faced honest yeomen of the soil, or better yet start growing your own. Make sure to start last year or you’ll be eating handfuls of grass and mud until spring.

Television programmes

You’re in a bind here as the BBC’s Marxist propaganda, Channel 4 is basically porn and streaming services are American. So Loose Women, Tipping Point and Emmerdale will be all of your entertainment from now on.

Clothes

No more going down to Primark to get a Bangladeshi-made top for a fiver. From now on, all your clothes will have to have been spun and woven within the UK. You will be able to afford one new outfit per year, and it will be a Fair Isle jumper.

A 100 per cent British-made car

Because the EU has systematically dismantled our motor industry to cripple us, you can no longer buy a brand-new showroom-fresh Austin Allegro. So buy a 40-year-old one with a top speed of 60mph and a vintage asbestos dashboard instead.