The Brexiter's guide to buying British

BREXIT has finally happened, it’s a great success, your next car should be a Morris Traveller and your next computer an Amstrad. Alongside these patriotic purchases: 

A mobile phone

Samsung and Huawei are spying on you, so you need a mobile that hasn’t been infiltrated by nasty foreign parts. Getting a GPO bakelite rotary phone in a 30lb backpack with a sturdy British 50ft steel aerial is the future. Internet available by writing to the manufacturer with 14 days’ notice.


The supermarket is out as even Sainsburys, that most British of shops, is part-owned by Qatar. Try outdoor markets run by ruddy-faced honest yeomen of the soil, or better yet start growing your own. Make sure to start last year or you’ll be eating handfuls of grass and mud until spring.

Television programmes

You’re in a bind here as the BBC’s Marxist propaganda, Channel 4 is basically porn and streaming services are American. So Loose Women, Tipping Point and Emmerdale will be all of your entertainment from now on.


No more going down to Primark to get a Bangladeshi-made top for a fiver. From now on, all your clothes will have to have been spun and woven within the UK. You will be able to afford one new outfit per year, and it will be a Fair Isle jumper.

A 100 per cent British-made car

Because the EU has systematically dismantled our motor industry to cripple us, you can no longer buy a brand-new showroom-fresh Austin Allegro. So buy a 40-year-old one with a top speed of 60mph and a vintage asbestos dashboard instead.

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Woman needs cup of tea to summon energy to make tea

A WOMAN who badly needs a cup of tea to get anything done is unable to make one because she needs one so badly. 

Emma Bradford has resumed working from home today, but so far has done nothing but stare longingly at the empty space where a steaming cup of tea would be if only she had one.

She said: “Where is my tea? Why is the kitchen so far away? How can this ever end?

“This is why people get married. My mum always said ‘you’ll change your mind someday’ and I have. Not because of babies or companionship but because I need tea. Lovely tea.

“I could call Deliveroo to bring me tea but they’d make it wrong and it’d be cold and I’d have to go to the door which is further than the kettle. It’s an unsolvable conundrum.

“Maybe I should set up a kettle here on the coffee table, and replace this side table with a small fridge for milk. Or move into a hotel.

“The trouble is, the necessary brainpower and energy for all of this requires caffeine.

“I’ll just stay here a bit longer.”