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The six hundred steps to cancelling your Virgin Media account: a user guide

SIGNED up to Virgin Media? Pettily decided to leave, just because your broadband only works one day in three? It’s easy to do. Just follow these six hundred steps: 

Call Virgin Media, x100

Then wait. Then call again, because they hung up. Then wait. Then call again. Repeat around 50 times, then press 2 to upgrade your package and speak to a person immediately. Tell them you want to cancel. They will place you on hold and hang up. Repeat until accidentally transferred to the cancellation department.

Say you would like to cancel, x150

By the second syllable of cancel, the person you are talking to will have hung up. Repeat step one as many times as necessary. Eventually you will reach an operator bored enough of hanging up to hear your whole cancellation story. They will listen sympathetically then transfer you to the real cancellation team, who will hang up.

Repeat steps one and two, x232

Back at the beginning of your cancellation odyssey, you must go through the same actions again. You have now been on hold for a year and know George Ezra’s Anyone For You better than he does. Continue trying until, due to an operator on his first day who speaks no English and has fat fingers, you are once again transferred to the cancellation team.

Overcome incredulity, x78

The cancellation department, despite their name, cannot believe anyone would want to cancel Virgin Media. With a tone of wide-eyed consternation, they go through its benefits, its perks, its excellent customer service. ‘Are you sure by cancel, you don’t mean upgrade?’ they ask, then put you on hold while you think about it. Then hang up.

Reaffirm your outlandish commitment to cancellation, x39

Repeat all the previous steps for as many days as necessary. Again, overcome arguments for not cancelling presented with all the fervour of a Samaritans operator trying to talk you out of ending it all. After a short opportunity to rethink, while on hold, and a suitable period of mourning, while on hold, you are permitted to cancel your Virgin Media account.

Freedom, x1

After paying your cancellation fee and three months’ notice your account closes, though your direct debits will continue for another six to nine months as standard. You are now free to change provider. In 11 months a call which you do not answer will be taken as full assent to rejoin Virgin Media on their top package for a minimum of two years.

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What exactly is the establishment? A Reform guide

STRUGGLING to tell the difference between a multi-millionaire former London trader-cum-MP and the establishment? Know your enemy with this guide: 

Educated university types

Graduates think they’re so clever with their higher education and hard-won qualifications. Brainwashed by academia into believing nonsense like ‘slavery was bad’ and ‘immigration benefits the economy’. Then get jobs as civil servants earning fat pensions on taxpayers’s money. Learning should stop before you get critical reading skills, for our sake.

Media outlets unsympathetic to us

Thankfully and justly not most of them, but institutions like the BBC, ITV and Sky News are on our hit list and you can’t even trust the radical freethinkers over at The Times these days. The only news sources that are anti-establishment are GB News and and YouTube channels that post AI videos of wonderful 1950s Britain, when policemen were postboxes.

London

Home to Westminster, making it the nerve centre of the establishment. But everything else in London is under its thrall. The Tube? Nothing more than a paedophile trafficking network. Overpriced Brixton street food? An establishment conspiracy to keep the working man down. Pigeons? Spies for our puppet masters.

The political system we’re part of

To the untrained eye, playing the establishment’s game to become part of the establishment might look like a very establishment thing to do. But you’re forgetting that if we rule the establishment it will no longer be the establishment. If it goes wrong, we’ll blame some other nebulous power for our failings like we did with Brexit.

Count Binface

The metal face of the establishment, this so-called joke candidate is actually a liberal sleeper agent, planted in 2019 because they knew that seven years later Nigel Farage would be forced to resign by his own towering hubris and it would be humiliating to make him run against a bin. They used exactly the same tactic on Pitt the Younger.

Anyone who calls out our bullshit

So what if our leader received a small gift? What he does in the privacy of his own bank account is his business, apart from the headlines he demanded for his debanking scandal. If you’re so much as grumbling about this non-event down the pub then you’re part of the secret elite that’s ruining this country. Yes, even if you’re shuffling along in a minimum wage job.

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