THE UK has properly relaxed for the first time in three years following news that Tesco has returned to profit.
The supermarket giant’s first quarterly sales growth since 2013 means that ordinary Britons can once again sleep without waking every few hours in a cold sweat.
Mary Fisher of Warwick said: “You know when you release a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding?
“Everything, from family life to trying to chill out and watch a movie, has been overshadowed by this.
“I’ve been short-tempered with the kids, I’ve scraped the car I don’t know how many times, and I’ve had absolutely no interest in sex.
“Thank God it’s over. Now I can shop somewhere that’s not such a total rip-off.”