Use our shitty website which doesn't work to save us money, says train company

A TRAIN company is sick of passengers wanting it to employ real people when they could just go on its completely useless website.

InterMidland Trains feels its impenetrable website more than makes up for it not having enough staff to answer annoying questions like when the trains leave and where they go to.

A spokesman said: “All the information you need to plan a journey is on our website, so long as you’ve got an afternoon to spare and like doing online puzzles.

“Yes, many of the departure times and prices are strangely ‘hidden away’ by the confusing layout and cryptic fares system, but frankly we don’t want customers who are quitters.

“There’s no information about cancelled trains because you’ll find out soon enough when you turn up to get on them. What next, d’you want us to wipe your arses for you?”

Passenger Tom Logan said: “I love going on journeys where I’m not sure what my connections are or if I’ll be booted off the train for having the wrong ticket. It’s like an adventure.

“In fairness, InterMidland’s website is as good as the rest of its crappy service. And I mean ‘crappy’ literally. They really should fix the toilets so they don’t get ‘full’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government to nationalise fashion chain Kate likes

TROUBLED fashion chain LK Bennett is to be saved by being taken into public ownership because the Duchess of Cambridge likes it.

The government is ideologically opposed to nationalisation in all forms but said it had little choice if Kate’s chic outfits are to continue being the toast of the world’s media.

Business secretary Greg Clark said: “This doesn’t only affect Kate. It affects thousands of upper middle-class women who dress like Kate.

“We faced a national crisis of ladies who wish to look stylish but not brash being forced to comb the racks at Zara, risking arriving at a garden party wearing the same outfit as another guest. We had to act.

“This is not a change in policy, and this government still believes that industries like our energy and rail networks are better being owned by the French government than our own.

“But the thought of the Duchess of Cambridge, the shining example of English womanhood to which all women aspire, being dressed in high street rags like a charlady left us with no option.”

To celebrate the move Kate will today visit a branch of LK Bennett, make delightful small talk with employees, and take three coats without paying.