Wetherspoons at risk of surviving rise in energy bills

WETHERSPOONS pubs are at risk of being the only survivors of a 300 per cent rise in energy bills, experts have warned. 

All proper pubs are expected to close, leaving the Brexiter-owned chain with shit carpets, no music and impossibly distant toilets as the dominant watering hole of the whole country.

Nathan Muir, landlord of the independent Golden Lion, said: “Why isn’t the government doing something? Surely they can set a cap on how many pints of dog-piss lager come gushing out of their aggressively staffed taps.

“Unlike pubs which aren’t run by a notorious twat, Wetherspoons will cut whatever arsehole corner necessary. Last crisis they told their staff to f**k off and get jobs at Tesco, and they came out of that fine.

“Wetherspoons are cheap, warm and you can sit in there all day. They’re tailor-made to get through this. But the defining British experience of getting shitfaced in the pub will be demeaned forever.

“No more darts, or jukeboxes, or quiz nights, or saloon bars, or flirting with the barman, or old blokes pouring their dog a saucer of mild. Just an app ordering a pitcher of Hawaiian Pipeline Punch slamming down on a human face forever.”

Wetherspoons regular Wayne Hayes said: “Everyone should be a divorced, jobless, daytime drinker living in a bedsit like me. That’s why I voted Boris and Brexit.”

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Anodyne statements by boring actress massive threat to monarchy

THE British monarchy, which has survived almost 1,000 years of beheadings, revolts and wars, is in crisis after anodyne statements by a boring actress. 

The supposedly impregnable institution is thought to be teetering on the edge of collapse after a woman who married into it gave an interview to a magazine.

Royalist Margaret Gerving said: “We could get past Charles I being executed and Henry VIII splitting with the Catholic church. But a podcast?

“Vague, self-serving therapy-speak by a rich Californian who’s not really Royal anymore, whose children could only rise to the throne if the events of King Ralph were to take place in real life? The Queen might as well pack her bags and leave Balmoral today.

“The monarchy cannot withstand revelations like ‘it takes a lot of effort to forgive’ or ‘we were upsetting the dynamic of the hierarchy by existing’. Compared to those bombshells, Edward VIII’s abdication is a mere storm in a teacup.

“Meghan’s got an interview with Mariah Carey dropping on Spotify later today. I expect the impact of that to be seismic. By the end of the day cheering crowds will be waving Charles’s severed head on the balcony of Buck House and Britain will be a republic.”

The Queen said: “Meghan? Now which one is she? I’ve got lots of grandchildren and I’m 96 years old.”