Woman gets desirable job because of merit

A WOMAN has landed a sought-after job because of her ability rather than some complex network of personal connections.

22-year-old Mary Fisher beat dozens of other applicants to land a role as a production assistant at television company Blue Parrot Films.

A company spokesman said: “We don’t normally hire on merit but she had a lot of good ideas and seemed genuinely keen.

“We realise it’s a controversial move to judge someone on their aptitude rather than family connections, them having gone to the same school or university as one of the directors, or whether they have big tits.

“However I think hiring people who are actually good at things, rather than simply being the offspring of someone you met at a school sports day, could benefit businesses.

“It’s part of a new approach that involves offering actual ‘jobs’ rather than extended periods of unpaid work that are designed to weed out the financially weak.”

However barrister Tom Booker said: “Hiring candidates for some better jobs based on their personal qualities risks excluding some of the more moronic children of the rich.

“Think of the hell Boris Johnson or Prince Andrew would face. I wouldn’t employ those idiots even if it were doing nights in a chicken burger factory.

“In that sense fairness is quite unfair.”



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Big-hearted man would be pregnant for a week

A FATHER-TO-BE would love to share the highs and lows of pregnancy by being pregnant for a whole week, he has revealed.

Marketing manager Tom Logan has won praise from friends and colleagues for wanting to share the experiences of his pregnant wife Sarah but not for quite as long.

Logan said: “Being ‘with child’ is the most incredible thing so I’d definitely put up with the hardships for a week to really understand what it’s like.

“I’d have to make some lifestyle changes, but the thought of that tiny, fragile human being growing inside me would really motivate me to give up smoking and eat healthily for seven days.

“When I see my wife’s baby bump I wish I could have the privilege of bringing a life into the world too. Sadly nature has decided it’s not to be, so I may as well go to the pub in a bit.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “It’s brilliant that Tom wants to be pregnant even though he’d miss his five-a-side football and our regular Friday piss-up for an entirely hypothetical week.

“He’s clearly given it a lot of thought because he asked me how long it would take him to get his figure back.”

Logan’s wife Sarah said: “Last week he got stung by a nettle and described it as ‘unbearable white-hot pain that never ends’, so I’m not sure how he would deal with someone coming out of his imaginary vagina.”