Canoeist Charged With Being An Arse

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.

Darwin, 57, entered the dock at Hartlepool magistrates' court carrying a paddle and holding a placard with 'I am such an arse' written on it.

He spoke only once during his short court appearance to confirm that he was an arse. "Total. Fucking. Arse," he said. "What was I thinking?"

Darwin faces one charge of having gotten away with faking his own death and then perpetrating an insurance scam only to throw it all away by being a complete arse.

He also faces one charge of being an arse in relation to moving to a foreign country to start a new life after faking his own death but still using his real name and living with his real wife.

He faces one other charge of being a complete fucking arse for having his picture taken in Panama and putting it on the internet under his real name when he was supposed to be dead, and no one was even looking for him.

His wife Anne, who was arrested yesterday on her return to Britain from Central America, is expected to appear before the same court later this week charged with being a complete fucking donut.

She also faces one charge of being an arse, and one of being an accessory to being an arse.

Legal expert Bill McKay said: "Initially we suspected we might be dealing with an incredibly sophisticated criminal mastermind capable of disappearing without trace and committing the perfect fraud.

"Instead it would appear we are dealing with a pair of moronic fat-heads who have made a series of imbecilic and bovine mistakes that would embarrass a two year-old during a game of sardines."

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UK Launches Crackdown On Foreign Wind

THE government has unveiled ambitious plans to end Britain’s dependence on foreign wind by 2020.

Ministers believe the British economy could eventually burst as a result of volatile Russian wind prices.

Meanwhile experts have warned that hot, dry winds from the Middle East are now arriving in the UK via Italy and France, by which time they are covered in grease and virtually useless.

Under the £250 billion plan, a 1000ft-high Wind Capturing Device will be constructed in the middle of Britain, possibly on the outskirts of Derby or Stoke.

The device will suck wind from the huge reserves just 10 miles above our heads and transform it into a series of high-energy gusts that will be pumped out to sea, feeding Britain’s invincible army of coastal turbines.

Energy minister John Hutton said: “Two years ago a group of experts came to me and said that Britain was sitting on a windmine. I pointed out that it was actually sitting underneath a windmine – in the sky.”

He added: “For too long we have sucked on the fast, easy winds that whistle across the Urals. And – in case you hadn’t already noticed – President Putin is a gigantic bastard.

“As long as he has his finger on the TransEuropean GustFunnel, this country will be at the mercy of corrupt Russian wind magnates.”

The minister also stressed the knock-on benefits of home-grown wind sufficiency.

“Our vast turbine army will send a clear message to migrating geese that they are not welcome here.

“No longer will Britain have to endure the soft, distant honking of unskilled foreign geese scrounging off our cherished wetlands.”