SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.
Darwin, 57, entered the dock at Hartlepool magistrates' court carrying a paddle and holding a placard with 'I am such an arse' written on it.
He spoke only once during his short court appearance to confirm that he was an arse. "Total. Fucking. Arse," he said. "What was I thinking?"
Darwin faces one charge of having gotten away with faking his own death and then perpetrating an insurance scam only to throw it all away by being a complete arse.
He also faces one charge of being an arse in relation to moving to a foreign country to start a new life after faking his own death but still using his real name and living with his real wife.
He faces one other charge of being a complete fucking arse for having his picture taken in Panama and putting it on the internet under his real name when he was supposed to be dead, and no one was even looking for him.
His wife Anne, who was arrested yesterday on her return to Britain from Central America, is expected to appear before the same court later this week charged with being a complete fucking donut.
She also faces one charge of being an arse, and one of being an accessory to being an arse.
Legal expert Bill McKay said: "Initially we suspected we might be dealing with an incredibly sophisticated criminal mastermind capable of disappearing without trace and committing the perfect fraud.
"Instead it would appear we are dealing with a pair of moronic fat-heads who have made a series of imbecilic and bovine mistakes that would embarrass a two year-old during a game of sardines."