LORD Sugar, an unbiased impartial BBC employee and billionaire business wanker, details the pointless bullshit he fills every day with.
Twitter rants
When I tweet, the world listens. I like to point out the travesty of people ‘working’ from home. The fact that I’m a commercial landlord in no way affects my views on these bone idle snowflake scumbags who need their bollocks cutting off with a rusty hacksaw.
Rehearsing for The Apprentice
The Apprentice just keeps getting better and better, and has definitely not become a tired parody of real business with a bunch of delusional sales twats. In the months before a new series I make sure I’m word-perfect with my much-loved catchphrases: ‘You’re fired’, ‘Toot off the market’, ‘I’ve got a hole in my bloody arse’. It’s like being Laurence Olivier and Shakespeare rolled into one.
Being a member of the House of Lords
A few times a week I like to get out the old ermine. I don’t actually go to the House of Lords, hence my abysmal voting record, I just like to look at myself in the mirror and feel important. Lords are the top people in England, like the Queen. I could probably have your head chopped off.
Watching GB News
It’s the only channel not afraid to tell the truth about the woke hellhole Britain has become. Apparently children can’t say ‘Mummy’ anymore, they have to call them ‘Non-gender specific small person incubation unit’. If you disagree you’ll be tried in front of a Sharia court for transphobia. I’m not sure how that would work, but it’s not what I pay my bloody taxes for!
Inventing new Amstrad products
My video phone wasn’t a piece of overpriced, pointless crap as critics claim, it was just ahead of its time. I’m always sketching out new products like the AmFax, a fax-enabled mobile phone with a built-in printer. The faxes are tiny, but it’s got a holder on the back for a magnifying glass.
Looking for my next challenge
Billionaire, TV star, owner of an electronic components wholesaler – yes, there isn’t much left for this boy from a council flat in the East End to achieve. Except becoming an omnipotent deity. I’ve always thought I could do a better job than God, so every night I pray to Him offering to buy a 50 per cent share of the universe. I’ve not heard back yet, but no one’s going to turn down a chance to work with Lord Alan Sugar.
