Alexa Chung To Be New Face Of Chitlins

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs’ intestines, it was announced last night.

The style icon has signed a seven-figure deal to front the ‘Chitlins: Believe’ campaign, in a bid  to engage the elusive 18-34 year-old, high-earning ABC1 demographic that has thus far proved resistant to eating connective tissue.

Chung said: “Whether I’m on a private jet dashing between catwalks, or have just returned late from a celebrity-studded reception at Soho members’ club Prick House, I’m always reaching for chitlins.

“There’s never really a time when I don’t want them. Sometimes I can’t think about anything else.

“When I arrive at a Hoxton loft party I’m like, ‘where’s the chitlins at?’ If there’s a bowl of them in the room I’ll just get straight in with my hands, or just stick my face in like I’m at a trough, slopping it all everywhere and making slobbery, smacking noises.”

She added: “I think it’s because they smell like my nan’s house. And I like that they’re cooked in a big vat, with an onion floating in it to stop the stink.”

A spokesman for the British Chitlin Federation said: ‘We’re delighted to have Alexa on board. Like a delicious chitlin she is long, slender and washed until completely free of faecal matter.

“We think of her as a sort of Kelly Brook substitute for men who eat dried sliced fruit and like Lost in Translation.”

Chitlins can be served as a main meal, a dip or a pet food, while whole chitlins can be wrapped around the neck to make an edible scarf or stole.

Chitlin fan, Julian Cook, said: ‘I think Alexa is a great choice, I’ve always had a thing for rather poorly-looking girls. I reckon they’d be very cheap to feed.

“Especially if they like chitlins.”


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Children Demand Bionic Cats

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.

Interest has surged after Oscar, a cat from Surrey, was given two bionic feet in a ground-breaking operation, leading to spoiled little shits all over the country demanding radical surgery to their family pets.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Hatfield, said: “Maisie now feels that our cat, Bangles, is essentially worthless.

“She said it was a boring, rubbish cat that didn’t do anything and that we shouldn’t be surprised if she tried to flush it down the toilet or bury it alive.

“I pointed out that if we gave Bangles some bionic feet she wouldn’t be able to move around as easily and that bionic feet are very much a last resort for cats that have disagreed with combine harvesters.

“But Maisie simply grabbed Bangles, held her up and shouted ‘CUT ITS FEET OFF! CUT ITS FEET OFF! CUT ITS FEET OFF!’.”

Martin Bishop, a father of three from Finsbury Park, said: “I’ve persuaded Dylan, my seven year old, that we should start by cutting the feet off of a gerbil and then maybe, when he’s a little bit older, we can think about mutilating some larger animals.

“He says he would eventually like to cut the legs off a dog and replace them with springs. But he would also make sure that it wore a safety helmet in case it banged its head on the ceiling. He’s such a sensitive little chap.”

Logan added: “I’ve found this Bulgarian website that seems to do bionic pets. I’m still not sure though. The last thing you want is a four-wheeled cat with dodgy eastern European brakes careering up and down the hall when you’re trying to read a book.”