subscribe
/ Sign Out

And to top that we've put the first twat in space, England realises

ENGLAND fans depressed after yesterday’s loss have remembered yesterday also saw the country put the first twat in space. 

Richard Branson, multi-millionaire and grinning, bearded wanker, yesterday beat rival American twats Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to become the first absolute 24-carat gold-standard arsehole to leave Earth.

Tom Logan of Ludlow said: “Two firsts for our country. Losing in a Euros final and that prick in a low orbit.

“It’s amazing because you’d expect America to beat us to it: they’re richer, they’ve got a proper space programme, and there’s no shortage of show-off dicks over there.

“But in the end I guess they just couldn’t compete with good old British know-how, gumption and our proud history as a world-beating twat farm.

“Who will we pollute the stars with next? James Corden? Nigel Farage? Simon f**king Cowell? Give me strength.

“Why limit our ambitions? Let’s commit to putting the first shithead on Mars. I vote Piers Morgan.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Irrefutable confirmation that it's shit being English received

ENGLAND has received irrefutable and final confirmation that everything they do as a team and nation only proves how shit they are. 

After last night’s Euro 2021 final loss, the English have awoken in the knowledge that no matter how hard they try, how good they are or how much they believe, it is over and they lost.

Will McKay of Swindon said: “Well at least that settles it. It’s almost a relief. Now I know there’s no point trying.

“I couldn’t have been prouder yesterday which demonstrates once and for all what a waste of time it is being proud, hoping, or having self-belief.

“‘We got to the final’. Yeah, you’re right, that does make the pain sharper and more intense. ‘We took it all the way to penalties’ which we lost, as always, as we’re doomed to.

“In our jobs, our marriages, our family life, we now know not to bother because it won’t get any better. Thanks, Italy. I bet you all had great sex last night.”

Next story ›