14 times today when England fans will stare into the middle distance and mutter 'f**king hell'

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’. Use our checklist: 

When waking up, hitting snooze and remembering last night

When in the shower, those three penalties cycling through your head, none of them ever going in the goal

Immediately after opening whatever you’re meant to be doing for work, followed by 40 minutes slumped, dazed inactivity

On the toilet

When making yourself lunch and spotting an unopened can of beer and telling yourself it does matter, you can’t drink at noon, you might lose your job

Immediately after opening said can of beer

On the toilet again, but crying

When staring into the dead eyes of a stranger who feels exactly as you do but you’re both too English to say

When surfing a social media full of twats saying we should celebrate how well we did when we lost

At traffic lights

Over dinner, even though the kids are there, and nobody says anything because they feel the same way

While staring blankly at Love Island not knowing who anyone is, what they’re saying or why you should care

On the toilet one last time, for 25 minutes, imagining if we’d won

In bed after turning out the light, and before tears come

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Cleaner disgusted with how little cleaning you do

YOUR cleaner judges you harshly over how little cleaning you do, she has confirmed.

Lucy Parry, who has realised how much money can be made out of horrible slobs who can’t be arsed to pick up a duster, thinks all her clients are disgusting.

Parry said: “The people who employ me insist on extensive background checks to make sure I’m not a criminal and yet they’re the ones leaving smears of cocaine on their tacky glass tables.

“I have to bring my own industrial strength products as they only have virtue-signalling eco-friendly ones which just move germs around rather than actually killing them. A hint of lavender is no match for sodium percarbonate.

“I hope they can see on my face the utter disdain I feel about the squalor of their homes when we meet on the stairs. I think they can, as they all seem to be frightened of me.”

Client Emma Bradshaw said: “I thought our house might provide a nice challenge for Lucy, but I’ve learned that cleaners only want to clean houses that are already clean.

“Now we get up at 6am and do a big spruce up before she comes. It’s much easer all round.”