THE immortal vampire Jesus is on the rampage again after a team of excavators disturbed his ancient coffin.
Archaeologists exploring Jesus’s first century Jerusalem tomb have been found drained of blood after foolishly ignoring the many warning signs about the immortal being’s origins.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “These poor fools ignored all the clues, not least of which was the massively creepy stone coffin engraved with cryptic symbols that almost certainly don’t mean ‘open this, it’ll be fine’.
“The Bible describes how Jesus mysteriously rose from the dead. He was, to use teenage girl parlance, ‘undead’.
“Also no-one was surprised by his resurrection. That’s because the ignorant Romans put the stakes into his wrists and feet, rather than his evil heart.”
He added: “Furthermore, Christ had a penchant for red ‘wine’, assorted supernatural powers and Christian iconography shows that he is good looking with excellent muscle tone – a sure sign of vampirism.
“The Bible has changed a lot over the centuries, but before becoming today’s confused moral tract it was an exciting true-life supernatural story beloved of the teenage girls of yore.”
Jesus, who has long hair and a beard just like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, is now believed to be hiding out somewhere in the depths of Jerusalem, preying on the unwary.
Professor Brubaker said: “I keep asking myself, what would Jesus do?
“Probably recruit lots of evil vagrants to make some sort of ‘army of the night’, establish a lair in the cobwebby cellar of a deconsecrated church and then fly around in bat form obsessing about a girl – who he’s never met but whose picture he’s seen in a locket – who looks just like Mary Magdalene.
“That’s what Jesus would do.”