Beard disposal experts cordon off David Mitchell

A MILITARY facial hair disposal team has sealed off Peep Show star David Mitchell in a tense bid to remove his beard.

Khaki-clad army beard removers swooped on Mitchell in the early hours of yesterday morning after luring him into a deserted West London mews with some witty badinage and the promise of a new Peter Ackroyd book about the 18th century rum trade.

Operatives have sealed the actor and his beard behind a protective barrier, and are now working with remote-controlled robots to remove the toxic facial hair that has transformed the actor’s amiable visage into that of a demented insect-eating hermit who bites women.

Sergeant Tom Logan, an expert in high-stakes shaving whose career was documented in feature film The Hair Locker, said: “Mitchell’s beard is particularly dangerous in that it is simultaneously thick and patchy, with virtually unlimited potential for chafing.

“It is connected to his torso by a complex series of hairs running all the way up from his chest.

“One wrong move could turn it into a goatee.”

Facial hair analyst Nikki Hollis believes Mitchell’s beard could be worse even than Joaquin Phoenix’s notorious ‘death bush’.

She said: “Let me be clear, I like David Mitchell. Television needs another clever person who isn’t Stephen Fry.

“But while every beard attracts a certain amount of criticism this one is wrong on a quantum level.”

 She added: “Apparently it made a Stoke woman granite during 10 O’Clock Live, like a hair medusa.”



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Paparazzi found in Sienna Miller’s womb

A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.

Miller, who is four months pregnant with her first child, called police when she heard loud mobile phone conversations and smelt cigarette smoke coming from the region of her cervix.

Police discovered the photographers, who all work for well-known international picture agencies, when a pizza delivery bike carrying food they had ordered tried to gain entrance to Ms Miller’s vagina.

The men told police that they were there legally to get the first pictures of Miller’s child with actor Tom Sturridge, and certainly hadn’t been sent along as an act of revenge on some two-bit blonde who spoiled a nice little earner by running crying to the courts.

Miller has applied for an anti-harrassment order against the photographic agencies involved but legal delays could mean her womb remains co-occupied for months. Police have installed a panic button on her clitoris but say they are powerless to act unless a crime is committed.

Paparazzo Stephen Malley said: “Sienna’s happy to use her reproductive organs for publicity when she’s got a film to promote, like when Jonathan Ross breakdanced live on her G-spot, but apparently it’s a different story when she’s got one in the oven.

“She needs to realise that we’re actually helping her. Jordan gets it, and when I spent six months in her fallopian tubes snapping exclusives for OK!, the only problem was avoiding an ITV2 camera crew camped on her labia.”

Coincidentally, a long-running legal case involving Miller’s ex-partner Jude Law comes to court in New York this week.

Law, who found a British tabloid journalist had been embedded in the tip of his penis, is being sued by the reporter for aggravated criminal battery.