Britain overjoyed by union of buttocks

BRITAIN has been inspired and energised by the joining together of Pippa Middleton’s left and right buttocks.

What began as a expensive and tedious royal wedding was elevated by the Duchess of Cambridge’s attractive sister to what many experts are describing as ‘the bottom event of the century’.

Teacher Martin Bishop said: “You only had to look at those two, happy young buttocks to see they were meant to be together.

“I don’t normally get emotional about weddings, but Pippa’s perfect meat pillows of joy actually brought tears to my eyes and also made me do a bit of dribble.

“I have no doubt those cheeks smell of high grade pot pourri and taste like the most expensive cherries that Waitrose can muster.”

He added: “Indeed, I became so overwhelmed by their majestic spectacle that I had to excuse myself from the lounge and spend ten minutes alone in the spare bedroom, contemplating their splendour in a suitably humble kneeling position with the door locked from the inside.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “It’s really wonderful that the world still has a Middleton sister about whom it is fine to have frenzied masturbatory fantasies without offending the memory of the Queen Mother.

“Pippa really is the perfect woman, at least for a fairly unimaginative man like myself.”

Royal pundit Nikki Hollis said: “It’s quite an acheivement to stand out as the most perfect arse at an event attended by Prince Philip, George Osborne and Ben Fogle.”

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We will recover from this, pledge fearmongers

THE death of Osama Bin Laden is a temporary glitch, purveyors of top quality fear have insisted.

The world’s leading fright-mongers said the Tom Clancy death of the world’s craziest scary-bogey man would focus the industry on developing a new state-of-the-art nightmare, probably with giant, razor-sharp tusks and eyes the colour of Satan’s droppings.

Tom Logan, booga-booga-booga analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said the US government’s decision to ethnically cleanse the underside of the Western world’s bed was a surprise change of tactics.

He added: “If America keeps making the monsters go away like this then eventually someone might start to ask why they still need so many anti-monster guns.

“And at that point the house of cards begins to look a tad shaky.

“If they have even a modicum of intelligence the fear industry will already be plotting to kill President Obama and his gay friends as well as concocting an army of phantom psychopaths to blame it on.”

In a press release, reprinted without question by every newspaper in the world, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, chairman of British Anxiety, said: “Any fool knows that the death of Bin Laden will create a million new Bin Ladens.

“And the death of the each of those Bin Ladens will create a million new Bin Ladens until there are so many Bin Ladens that either you or your next door neighbour will be a Bin Laden.

“And you and I both know that you’re not a Bin Laden because you’re just a decent, hard working family trying to make ends meet in a terrifyingly violent world teeming with paedophiles, job losses and the convenience of 24-hour internet shopping. Not like that dodgy fucker next door.”

Meanwhile, the utterly perfect death of Bin Laden has also led to renewed calls for a cut in education budgets with media companies warning that without crazy scary-bogey men everyone will need to be dense enough to think that celebrities are interesting.

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