Cardinal admits trying to touch other man's penis while kissing him on the mouth

CARDINAL Keith O’Brien has denied being gay, insisting he just wanted to touch erect penises.

A spokesman said: “He thinks that’s where he was going wrong.

“He had perfectly normal, understandable sexual urges, it’s just that every time he tried to grab a penis, it was attached to a man.

“And he only kissed them on the mouth because ‘if you do it right it makes the penises bigger’.”

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Sugar and Desmond to get a room

ALAN Sugar and Richard Desmond are going to submit to the simmering sexual chemistry between them.

A YouView spokesman said: “The tension in the office was getting ridiculous so we’ve booked them an afternoon at a nice hotel with sumptuous bedding.

“Hopefully this will sort them out. They were constantly sparring in a flirtatious manner, like Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting, but with more swearing.”

YouView customer Tom Booker said: “I really hope this means the future of the company is secure, because I desperately need to watch Man Vs Food and Cheaters.”