Thatcher statue to be the 'anti-Lourdes'

GRANTHAM councillors say a proposed statue of Margaret Thatcher will have the power to make people feel hellish.

Supporters claim that by touching the marble handbag the sighted will become blind, the cheerful will become suicidal and perfectly good pairs of legs will just fall off.

Councillor Roy Hobbs said: “The fact that Labour wants the thing but the Tories don’t shows it already has the power to fuck things up. Your average Tory wants to use giant lasers to carve her face onto the moon.

“Even now, birds flying over the proposed site drop out of the sky and when I cut myself shaving this morning the blood seemed to flow toward its location.”

Hobbs feels it could become a Mecca for people who enjoy feeling absolutely vile, including Emos, people posting cryptically upset messages on Facebook and that woman you sit next to at work who ‘does not like to complain’.

Expert said that when completed, the effect will be that of happiness bending around the statue, so that somebody experiencing joy immediately behind it will appear off to one side.

The sculptor, Nathan Muir, said he wanted the statue to ‘capture the former prime minister’s complexity’, before he was pecked to death by ravens.

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Both ends, says Queen

IT is literally exploding out of both ends, Buckingham Palace has announced.

As Her Majesty the Queen was admitted to hospital in London, a Palace spokesman said it was ‘eye-watering’.

He added: “Oof.”

Doctors at the Edward VII Hospital are assessing the monarch’s condition which is understood to be ‘noisily blasphemous’.

A hospital spokesman said: “It’s not quite ‘dear God almighty, please make it stop’. It’s more sort of, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, where’s it all coming from?’.

“She did get up in the middle of the night for a particularly gruesome episode, during which she promised to abdicate.

“She later changed her mind, insisting people say all kinds of things ‘in the heat of the moment’.”

Meanwhile, the Queen’s treatment is complicated by the fact that under the Act of Settlement only the Lord Chancellor, the Astronomer Royal and the Archbishop of Canterbury are allowed to say the word ‘diarrhoea’ to a reigning monarch.

The Palace spokesman added: “Friday’s swan burgers did smell a bit funky.’