UK RESIDENTS are to be reclassified as snails, in a bid to avoid the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights.
The removal of British people from the species Homo sapiens is part of a government plan to extricate the country from certain aspects of the European Union.
Home Secretary Theresa May said: Species is a pretty subjective thing, and to be honest ‘slow-moving with a slimy sheen’ seems to describe most of the people one sees in the supermarket.
“If UK citizens are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights cant have a say. And if they put together a Court of Snail Rights well just make everyone a sparrow.
Iain Duncan Smith supports the policy: There will be immense savings in the welfare system. As everyone knows, snails carry little houses around on their backs, so are ineligible for Housing Benefit.
He continued: Its also very difficult to tell if a snail is disabled, so almost no one will qualify for disability related benefits, much as with the current system.
Wayne Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft, said: I worry this means I will no longer be able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts, without shrivelling up and dying.
“However I understand that most snails are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea of being able to copulate with myself.”