Britons reclassified as snails

UK RESIDENTS are to be reclassified as snails, in a bid to avoid the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights.

Easily crushed

Easily crushed

The removal of British people from the species Homo sapiens is part of a government plan to extricate the country from certain aspects of the European Union.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Species is a pretty subjective thing, and to be honest ‘slow-moving with a slimy sheen’ seems to describe most of the people one sees in the supermarket.

“If UK citizens are ostensibly gastropods, the Court of Human Rights can’t have a say.  And if they put together a Court of Snail Rights we’ll just make everyone a sparrow.”

Iain Duncan Smith supports the policy: “There will be immense savings in the welfare system.  As everyone knows, snails carry little houses around on their backs, so are ineligible for Housing Benefit.”

He continued: “It’s also very difficult to tell if a snail is disabled, so almost no one will qualify for disability related benefits, much as with the current system.”

Wayne Hayes, a hairdresser from Lowestoft, said: “I worry this means I will no longer be able to enjoy salty snacks, such as peanuts, without shrivelling up and dying.

“However I understand that most snails are hermaphrodites and I do like the idea of being able to copulate with myself.”