FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.
Charity shop model Mary Bale will record a range of feline-related covers for her debut CD, including The Cure’s Love Cats, Cool for Cats by Squeeze and Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract featuring MC Skat Kat.
Wayne Hayes, one of Cowell’s flying monkeys, said: “When Simon started watching the video, he rolled his eyes and assumed it was just another middle-aged woman stroking a cat but when he saw her treat a trusting innocent with such withering contempt he knew he’d found a kindred spirit.
“It was another Susan Boyle moment, but instead of a frumpy older woman suddenly revealing the voice of an angel it was a frumpy older woman revealing that she was a vindictive, pinch-faced old picklefanny.”
Bale has been offered protection by Coventry police after a local vigilante group threatened to torch her house for being a paedophile on the basis the cat was only two years old.
And Cowell is already facing a backlash with some accusing him of manufacturing the incident amid claims that Bale’s cat-dunking has been digitally enhanced.
Former neighbour, Nikki Hollis, said: “I remember loads of times when Mary found stray cats in her back garden and she couldn’t hit the side of a shed with them. Though not for want of trying.”
Meanwhile, Pakistani orphan, Ali Sanjar, said: “If my entire family had not been swept to their death by the mighty Indus, I’m sure they would be horrified to see such a nutritious animal being chucked in the bin like that.”