Celebrities rich

DOZENS of celebrities are rich, it has emerged.

The revelation that internationally-famous household names including Jimmy Carr and Gary Barlow have lots of money and behave accordingly has prompted outrage from hypocrites and the exceptionally slow.

Dull-witted Tom Logan said: “I had assumed that Jimmy Carr wrote jokes for free, primarily to entertain the squirrels in his local park, and spent the rest of his time volunteering in an orphanage for blonde children with rickets.

“Apparently one of the things that all rich people do is keep all their money in caves on islands, because by doing this it means they get to keep more of their money as opposed to less of it.

“Personally, as a fucking idiot I am always looking for ways to pay more tax.”

Chief Hypocrite to the Treasury Danny Alexander said: “Pop stars and comedians should be governed by the powerful sense of moral integrity that permeates the media community, rather than just doing something because it is legal.”

In a double blow to the taxpayer, it has also been announced that private sector companies will be allowed to start taking money directly from the public’s bank accounts.

The move is designed to streamline the process of fleecing everyone, which had previously involved delivering massively overpriced milk, partially cleaning hospital wards or telling jobseekers how to spell their own names.

Managing director Norman Steele said: “My company has been bilking the taxpayer for years by providing barely edible school dinners made from cheap Albanian tramp meat, but cutting out the ‘middle man’ means kids no longer have to get Hep C.”

Hairdresser Donna Sheridan said: “I couldn’t work out why a company called Astradyne Consultancy took £2,400 out of my current account, because we tend not to use £800-a-day PFI consultants in the salon. Two days later I got a letter explaining that it would help pay for some undoubtedly vile little sod called Octavian to go to Eton.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Food should still be fine even if left out of the fridge overnight. So if that kebab’s still on the pavement when you leave for work in the morning, you’re having it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Kids can often be the worst hit by a messy divorce. Especially when you’ve asked them to compile a photo scrapbook of your husband shagging the plumber.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend will see a hangover that manages to span 3,000 years of human philosophy, from blissful ignorance, to belief in a vengeful god to all-encompassing ennui, all during the space of a Hollyoaks omnibus.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
In preparation for Wimbledon, you hit the park to practise watching teenage girls in miniskirts.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your 30-year spiritual quest comes to an end this week as you come to realise that you live in a universe where Tim Lovejoy is an actual thing and therefore meaning or justice is an impossibility.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
To avoid the latest round of redundancies you have to broaden your skill set, this time to include ‘posing as a transsexual hooker in the bar your boss goes to’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun. Moving on to the forecast for next week…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you chase your dreams, what do you have to lose? Your virginity, for a start.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The BBC calls the police after receiving your pitch for a wildlife cookery series called Endangered but Delicious.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The last six months have been a painful, draining series of disappointments, defeats and harsh realisations but this week looks to be okay. Just make the most of it, is all I’m saying.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A difficult decision this week as the opportunity to watch Tom Cruise act out his midlife crisis in Rock Of Ages clashes with the opportunity to go to London Zoo, coat your scrotum in beef and onion gravy and dangle it over the wolverine enclosure.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life’s too short to have regrets. Yours is, anyway.