Celebrities rich

DOZENS of celebrities are rich, it has emerged.

Astonishingly not big-hearted

The revelation that internationally-famous household names including Jimmy Carr and Gary Barlow have lots of money and behave accordingly has prompted outrage from hypocrites and the exceptionally slow.

Dull-witted Tom Logan said: “I had assumed that Jimmy Carr wrote jokes for free, primarily to entertain the squirrels in his local park, and spent the rest of his time volunteering in an orphanage for blonde children with rickets.

“Apparently one of the things that all rich people do is keep all their money in caves on islands, because by doing this it means they get to keep more of their money as opposed to less of it.

“Personally, as a fucking idiot I am always looking for ways to pay more tax.”

Chief Hypocrite to the Treasury Danny Alexander said: “Pop stars and comedians should be governed by the powerful sense of moral integrity that permeates the media community, rather than just doing something because it is legal.”

In a double blow to the taxpayer, it has also been announced that private sector companies will be allowed to start taking money directly from the public’s bank accounts.

The move is designed to streamline the process of fleecing everyone, which had previously involved delivering massively overpriced milk, partially cleaning hospital wards or telling jobseekers how to spell their own names.

Managing director Norman Steele said: “My company has been bilking the taxpayer for years by providing barely edible school dinners made from cheap Albanian tramp meat, but cutting out the ‘middle man’ means kids no longer have to get Hep C.”

Hairdresser Donna Sheridan said: “I couldn’t work out why a company called Astradyne Consultancy took £2,400 out of my current account, because we tend not to use £800-a-day PFI consultants in the salon. Two days later I got a letter explaining that it would help pay for some undoubtedly vile little sod called Octavian to go to Eton.”