Chris Moyles, and other 90s men who achieved fame by being twats

A MERE 23 years ago, it was impossible to achieve fame without being a dickhead.  The 90s spawned these monsters: 

Chris Evans 

What precisely was the appeal? ‘Wackiness’ and ‘zaniness’? A less-bad version of Steve Wright’s ‘posse’? Crowing about making so many millions he could just skive off with a hangover when he felt like it? Not as hateful as Moyles, but unquestionably a twat, as proved by his fondness for the ultimate twat accessory – a ridiculously large collection of sports cars.

Chris Moyles 

Moyles proved that ‘fat twat’ was not merely what people referred to him as, it was an actual career. Somehow he got paid for a string of tedious controversies sparked by his boorish crap, such as discussing pissing in the shower and calling women who did it ‘dirty whores’ on his breakfast show. The Charlotte Church incident was by far the creepiest, and he may as well have just had a wank live on air while you ate your boiled egg.

Russell Brand 

Brand technically hit the big time in the 2000s, but he was learning his craft as a twat in the 90s. His stand-up was soon displaced by tiresome shagging stories, a shit book and the agonisingly embarrassing Andrew Sachs incident which only severe head trauma will erase. Still apparently unaware he was a twat, Russell then had a deep political awakening, in which he discovered completely new concepts like distributing wealth more fairly.

Guy Ritchie

It’s not so much Ritchie personally, although statistically speaking he is likely to be a twat, more his awful legacy. Lock, Stock etc. was insulting public school mockney bollocks in its own right, but more importantly opened a Pandora’s box of bad films. If you ever spent an evening watching the unwatchable Triads, Yardies and Onion Bhajis because your mate ‘thought it looked good’ in Blockbuster, the trail of blame can be traced directly back to one Guy Stuart Ritchie.

David Baddiel 

Not a horrible twat, more just a twat. After some decent comedy, Baddiel got on board the 1990s lad culture bandwagon with Fantasy Football League, a natural career choice for a middle-class Cambridge Footlights alumnus. This has come back to haunt him due to the ‘pineapple on his head’ taunts directed at striker Jason Lee. The blackface didn’t help either, especially as Baddiel had just hopped on the anti-Corbyn bandwagon to campaign against anti-semitism.

Richard Littlejohn

Littlejohn became Britain’s highest-paid columnist in the 90s, thanks to his shit columns obsessed with homosexuality, WW2 and ‘PC gone mad’. However he did prove that people are willing to read near-identical articles several times a week if they reinforce their vile opinions. Truly a great discovery, and now something being emulated by every reactionary pundit from Piers Morgan to the cursed souls on GB News. So thanks for that, Littlejohn, you twat.

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'Christ, we're f**ked': Seven honest three-word slogans for the Tories to use

‘STOP the boats’ is the Tories’ latest idiotically simple three-word phrase to try to reel in voters. These would be far more honest:

‘Double your mortgage’

You thought things were bad under Boris Johnson, but then Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng came along and made things worse in a very personal way by doubling your mortgage, before pissing off and leaving you to struggle with the fallout. ‘Get f**ked, bastards’ is your three-word slogan about it.

‘£3000 energy bills’

Yeah, the government has bailed us out a bit, but given the eye-wateringly enormous profits energy companies are merrily bragging about, they could help even further. The Conservative Party might hate taxing huge corporations, but presumably they hate nobody voting for them even more? 

‘What levelling up?’

Despite the fact that Michael Gove is apparently still Secretary of State for Levelling Up, the whole sorry project seems to have fallen by the wayside to the point where it doesn’t exist. The Tories should just admit it was always as made-up as f**king fairies, although the entirely fictional fey folk have been described in far more detail than ‘levelling up’ ever was. 

‘Culture wars rule’

Lacking any good ideas for improving the country, Rishi Sunak has admitted that he is going to fight the next election on persecuting minorities. He doesn’t seem to have realised that the only people who will vote for this are those like your Uncle Gary who thinks men who use moisturiser are gay drag queen paedos, but it should become clear once the election results come in.

‘Brexit sodding Brexit’

It’s been going on for years. The public are bored of it. The government is bored of it. Even its most rabid supporters are bored of it. So they should be honest about the fact that Brexit clearly did not mean Brexit and put this on their stupid little podium instead.

‘Wild lockdown parties’

The public knows they happened. The current prime minister was given a fixed penalty notice for one. So rather than playing them down with oh-so-hilarious excuses about being ambushed by cake, the Tories might as well just own it. Admit you had a f**king brilliant time getting sloshed in Number 10 – there’s little left to lose at this stage.

‘Christ, we’re f**ked’

This government is running on empty, desperately creating policies which will ultimately only appeal to the right-wing nutjobs who were going to vote for them anyway. Will this win an election? Quite possibly not. There’s another three-word slogan for you.