Clarkson sues Gervais for schtick theft

TOP Gear lynchpin Jeremy Clarkson is to sue Ricky Gervais for trying to steal his personality.

Sources claim Clarkson flew into a blind rage after the The Office star used marketing tool Twitter to lampoon a minority group and then deride critics as jealous, sour-faced killjoys  – a method copyrighted by Clarkson in 2003.

A Top Gear insider said: “Jeremy went mental, storming out to the rusty shed where Richard Hammond is kept chained up and giving him twice his normal daily quota of inner-thigh cigarette burns while bawling sweary legal threats into his Nokia.”

He continued: “You don’t have to be a genius to figure out Ricky’s game.

“Why do you think he’s spent years cultivating a comic triple act that includes a tall, quieter one and a court jester-whipping boy who’s forever being pushed out of his comfort zone with hilarious results?

“It’s an open secret in TV that Gervais’s most cherished goal is to commandeer Top Gear and see Europe’s middle-managers swap their blazer-and-jeans ensembles for tight black v-neck tees that will make them look like portly cat burglars.”

Clarkson enthusiast Tom Logan said: “Perhaps they can do another special edition of The Office – which was always a little esoteric for my taste – with a load of gypsy gags.

“I’m always looking to expand my cultural horizons, as long as whatever I’m watching or reading is based largely on hate.”

 

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, my fiancee sent me an email where she confused ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ and then used an apostrophe for ‘its’ in the possessive sense. When I confronted her she seemed to think it was no big deal, but I am seriously thinking of calling off the wedding. The thought of marrying such a callous simpleton is too much to bear, but it would be rather a shame as she does have a magnificent pair of diddies. What would you do?
Paul,
Northampton

Dear Paul
Fortunately, these days the school curriculum is less focused on grammar and arithmetic and more on expressing happy feelings with plasticine and learning about evolution without offending God or Allah. Plus it’s much more important to my generation to be able to evade a CCTV camera after a heavy looting session than to understand how to correctly use an apostrophe, and knowing how to spell ‘necessary’ is not going to help you escape the filth after mugging a granny, now is it? I’d get rid of the dictionary, stop being such a pedant and buy your girlfriend a nice, cosy balaclava for Xmas.
Hope that helps!
Holly