Dalai Lama announces hair transplant

TIBET’S spiritual leader is to have a hair replacement operation.

The Dalai Lama said: “I saw some pictures of Wayne Rooney’s latest work and I thought, wow, he looks so much younger with a restored hairline.

“It’s hard to focus on spiritual teachings and the cause of the Tibetan people when you don’t feel confident in the way you look.

“I try to be philosophical but premature hair loss is about the worst thing that can happen to a human being.”

He added: “I’m also doing weights to get my upper arms ‘robe ready’.”

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Mandela and Prince Philip exchange sarcastic 'get well soon' cards

NELSON Mandela and Prince Philip have sent each other ‘get well’ messages dripping with poisonous sarcasm.

The anti-apartheid icon wished the Queen’s Consort a ‘speedy recovery’ and hoped the Prince would soon get back to ‘making my point for me’.

Meanwhile, Prince Philip urged Mr Mandela to ‘keep his chin up’ before comparing the former’s president’s chest infection to a ‘dangerous radical trying to overthrow a perfectly good system’.

In his card to Mr Mandela, Prince Philip said: “I can’t remember if you’re the one who calls me ‘Number-One-Fella-Belonga-Mrs-Queen’. I’m sure you won’t be offended when I say that you all look exactly the same.

“South Africa is a beautiful country and you should be proud that so many of the nicer people chose to remain, despite everything that’s happened since about 1990.”

He added: “I trust you are in the hands of a top-quality witch doctor.”

Mr Mandela wrote: “I was saddened to hear of your hospitalisation. Luckily you have access to first rate medical care because you fought so bravely for the right to marry an unelected head of state.

“It gives me great satisfaction that such privilege is still enjoyed by the rag-tag remnants of the European aristocracy who so defiled this proud continent.

“I have no doubt that someone of your towering, Aryan intellect will reflect upon this deeply. Particularly if it has been tattooed onto the buttocks of a horse.”

He added: “I predict that one day a polo club snack bar will be named after you.”