Desert Island Discs not hypothetical

GUESTS on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs are actually abandoned on a remote Pacific atoll, the BBC has revealed.

Since 1942 the broadcaster has marooned thousands of celebrity guests on tiny islands with just eight pieces of music for comfort.

Most of the 19,000 previously uninhabited rocky outcrops in the Pacific now have heavily-bearded media personalities on them, waving desperately at planes passing overhead and cursing their agents.

A BBC spokesman said: “The show would be pretty pointless if we didn’t actually plan to subject the guest to a lifetime of unendurable isolation.

“It would be little more than a string of interminable anecdotes from people you’ve barely heard of.

“I can only imagine that most of them perished a long time ago, but at least they had the likes of Spandau Ballet to provide a soundtrack to their arduous and ultimately futile daily battle for survival.

“Sometimes I’m haunted by their confused, fearful expressions when they’re bundled on to a plane at the end of the show, but as a Radio 4 producer you become immune to looks of quiet desperation.”

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Secret Cinema victims treated for lack of perspective

THOUSANDS of middle class people are receiving emergency lack of perspective treatment following the cancellation of Secret Cinema.

Around 84,000 people had tickets for special ‘immersive’ screenings of Back to the Future, the non-occurence of which is the biggest bourgeois crisis since the chalk paint drought of 2013.

Architect Stephen Malley said: “I had made travel arrangements and bought a Marty McFly gilet off eBay, all for nothing. Nothing!

“The monsters responsible have offered me a refund, or replacement tickets for next weekend, which is when I’ve got a wedding in Italy.

“Jesus christ, I don’t want to live in a world where innovative art-at-scale projects are run unreliably.

“I’m going to kill myself by eating non-artisan fried chicken for every meal until I keel over.”

Brand consultant Emma Bradford said: “Secret Cinema is cancelled and people are telling me to get a grip? You try getting a fucking grip when there’s suddenly a gaping hole in your schedule.

“They can’t do this to me. I know people in the media. Cool people.”

Lack of perspective specialist Dr Tom Logan said: “My advice is to stop hyperventilating, have a quick look at the global news agenda, then go and buy some tickets for the normal cinema.

“The new Planet of the Apes is on, it’s quite good.”