Drogba returns to Chelsea to die

STRIKER Didier Drogba is dragging himself back to Stamford Bridge to end his days, the club has confirmed.

The player, who enjoyed his glory years at Chelsea, has somehow sensed his own forthcoming demise and is limping thousands of miles to die in the place that loved him best.

Sport scientist Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s an extraordinary natural phenomenon.

“These creatures, magnificent in their prime, use some rudimentary homing instinct to find their way through a baffling maze of contracts to live out their last moments showered with applause from fans.

“It’s almost as if they’re intelligent.”

Other footballers who have made the same journey include Henrik Larsson, whose bones lie in the 30 yard box at Helsingborg and still contribute the occasional assist.

Drogba, who is currently leading a herd of international footballers across the Asian steppes, is expected to arrive for Chelsea’s first game of the season.

He will walk slowly onto the pitch, commit a last two-footed career-threatening tackle, then die when an opposing player retaliates to win his team one final penalty.

Jose Mourinho said: “It will be a majestic sight.

“Unlike Frank Lampard, who has travelled to New York to live out his final days in complete anonymity and will die there, alone and forgotten, in a back alley.”

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Public furious at competent bankers

THE public has called for the RBS bankers who made a £1 billion profit to be replaced by bungling hate figures.

The bank’s best results since 2008 have left people confused about who to blame their financial woes on.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “I’ve never got any money and for the last six years I’ve known exactly whose fault that was – the bankers who lost it all gambling on bonds or something.

“But now they’re doing better, so I’m forced to consider the idea that my six grand overdraft and failure to make mortgage payments could be my responsibility.

“Fire those bastards and put somebody who hasn’t got a fucking clue in charge.

“I’m available.”

A spokesman for the British Banking Association said: “This is a difficult situation for us.

“On the one hand, RBS needs to show a paper profit in order to increase bonuses to absurd levels which is, after all, the whole point of banking.

“On the other, on no account can anyone be allowed to think that a business in public ownership could be in any way successful. It’s a real dilemma.”