4x4 drivers demand worse roads

DRIVERS of 4×4 offroad vehicles are campaigning for more challenging roads with rubble and other hazards.

Mother-of-two Helen Archer, who uses a Land Rover Freelander for the school run, has attacked her local council for failing to test the vehicle’s rugged all-terrain capabilities.

She said: “In the advert, where the car drove across the Australian outback, it seemed like it would be well worth the £45,000.

“But the roads between the house and Rory and Belle’s school in Parsons Green are pretty well tarmacked and offer no white knuckle thrills whatsoever.

“I’ve tried to find a shortcut for the journey but the only way is through back gardens and there are just too many trampolines for that to be viable.

“The council’s policy of maintaining road surfaces is making me, and all the other mums, feel like idiots for driving quasi-military vehicles.”

Pressure group Parents 4 Offroad has petitioned Hammersmith & Fulham council to smash roads with jack hammers and leave them as shallow pits filled with jagged wreckage.

Archer continued: “I pay my taxes. And if the roads gave me a bit more excitement, I’d probably stop mounting the pavement and knocking people over.”

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Rare records mostly dreadful

SCARCE and highly collectable vinyl records are generally awful, it has emerged.

Vinyl junkie Tom Logan said: “Yes it was over a grand but I finally got a seven inch copy of Harmonica Gopher by Bayou Dogg III off some helpful opportunist on Discogs.

“It is very rare because nobody liked it when it came out. Most copies were melted down and made into other things that people actually wanted, like rulers and buckets.

“Listening to it today, it is still shit.

“But it is so rare. Other men do not have it, thus I feel that on some level I have beaten them.”

Collector Stephen Malley said: “I lost my wife and kids after spunking all our food money on obscure records.

“All I’ve got to show for it is a lock-up garage full of atonal jazz, wanky prog rock and, most puzzlingly of all, Italian horror film soundtracks.

“It was worth it.”