Five men to have batshit mental celebrity crushes on

DO you have a crush on a dude that makes you question your own sanity? Here are five especially weird people ladies apparently jod one off to: 

Johnny Depp

Depp hasn’t been hot since his first turn as Captain Jack Sparrow, and even then he looked like he f**king stank. If you ran into him on the street you’d mistake him for an ageing squatter with ringworm, and that was before the court case about his domestic cycle of heavy drinking and shitted beds.

Paul Hollywood

Twinkling, blue-eyed baker Paul Hollywood has the vibe of a wine bar owner who’d eject you for mistaking a Chablis for a Chardonnay. So utterly full of himself it’s a wonder he can choke down baked goods, anyone who wants ‘the Hollywood’ haven’t considered how it would feel like to be offered his signature handshake post-coitally.

Piers Morgan

Because women hate themselves, legions of them claim to have a thing for phone-hacking Meghan-loather Piers Morgan, who could look like an Adonis and still be a prize twat. Even countenancing a short fling with the man is surely a sign of a worrying drop in standards, nationwide.

Simon Cowell

Another talent show twat more interested in his own ego than the contestants, Cowell’s artificial face and fashion sense make wanting to shag him a devastating condemnation of your mental welfare. Do people enjoy the idea of being critiqued by a real bastard after sex? Why?

Any politician

Whether you love the idea of snogging Nicola Sturgeon or being serenaded by blackface enthusiast Justin Trudeau, anyone who has a burning desire to go to bed with a public servant sincerely lacks imagination. Unless it’s JFK or someone legitimately hot. That’s fine.

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Offices lure employees back with dedicated bitching room

EMPLOYERS are encouraging staff back into the office with meeting rooms set aside for bitching about workmates. 

With workers reluctant to return to work when they can seethe about arsehole colleagues from the comfort of their own homes, businesses hope new state-of-the-art corporate slagging suites will entice them back.

Joanna Kramer, head of a Manchester marketing firm, said: “In-person meetings are bullshit and unnecessary, but bitching is just no fun over Zoom.

“Bad-mouthing others builds intimacy and trust, and also promotes feelings of belonging and loyalty, all great for business. In short, bitching is back on the agenda in a big way.

“We’ve converted a meeting room into a dedicated area for spiteful mutterings, with acoustically-designed areas so nobody will overhear your sly backstabbing and shit-stirring. They’ll come flocking.”

Consultant Julian Cook said: “The modern office is all about wellbeing; at-desk neck and shoulder massages, lunchtime yoga, and feeling united in your loathing of the way Angela eats her yoghurts.

“By giving people a safe space to sound off about the pricks they work with, they’ll feel motivated and valued. I was in there sharing my irritation about that dick Carson this morning, and I feel f**king great.”