Free ride's over, press tells Meghan

BRITAIN’S Royal-loving press have informed the Duchess of Sussex that her little criticism-exempt free ride ends right f**king now. 

Meghan Markle and her husband have enjoyed a break in the UK for his grandmother’s funeral and a break from being relentlessly condemned by media for their every perceived and imagined action that ends today.

Daily Mail journalist Jo Kramer said: “Had a nice time, did we? Did you like not being pulled apart by our battery of dedicated journalistic attack dogs? Well fun’s over, bitch.

“We’ve been good. We’ve barely criticised you. We’ve even allowed it to be implied that you have fulfilled your role in exemplary fashion. We did it for the late Queen’s sake. It was, some believe, what she would have wanted.

“However we, and coincidentally our indoctrinated readership, believe that Her Majesty would actually have wanted us to rip into you, condemn every tiny thing you’ve done as an outrage and an act of war against proper Royals, and to slag you totally the f**k off.

“From tomorrow’s headline onwards, we’re going in two-footed. Your face, your hair, your podcast, your evil manipulative relationship with a husband desperate to escape your clutches and come back to the British media who love him, it’s all fair game.

“You’ve been warned. This is our country. We decide who’s allowed to live in it.”

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What I, a proper Briton who was in the Queue, should be allowed to do from now on vs what you should be allowed to do

I WAS there. I joined the queue, stayed in the queue and am one of the exalted. You could have made the effort but didn’t. Here’s how our rights differ going forward: 

I never have to queue again

My waiting is over. I, and my fellow Queuers, have done our queuing and never have to do so again. We go to the front of every queue from now on, whether at the butchers, for a bus or simply for nightclub toilets. We have an Alton Towers Fastrack Pass for life.

You have to salute me

It’s only a little thing but you, and anyone else who thought they were too good to queue, have to snap off a little salute whenever I pass in respect for my sacrifice. Just a little casual one, but every time. Doesn’t matter if you hate it.

The outside lane on the motorway is mine

Just try going in it. You’ll be pulled over, asked if you queued, and when you can’t show your wristband it’s six points on your licence and a £500 fine. That’s our lane now.

You’re not allowed name-brand shoes

Doesn’t matter if it’s Nikes, Hush Puppies or Louboutins, they’re not for you anymore. You can have supermarket own-brand or Shoe Zone or shoes from an outlet mall. ‘You just pay for the label,’ you’ll mutter but we all know the truth.

Only my TV ratings count

I get the BARB thing put on my telly so my favourite programmes are the nation’s favourite programmes. I represented Britain by queuing so it’s only fair. My shows get more series than Midsomer Murders. Your shows are cancelled.

You have to pay for a wee everywhere

No more free pissing. Could be McDonald’s, could be your local library, could be the British Library. You’re paying 20p every time and if you’ve not got the right change that’s your problem.

My call is genuinely very important to them

I don’t do automated. I have a special six-digit code I put in and I’m straight through to a real person, and one who can do everything so I don’t get transferred between departments. Five minutes maximum.

You’re not allowed on PopMaster

Ignored one national institution? Then you’re barred from another. You will never hear Ken Bruce saying you got a very creditable 30 points. That privilege is reserved for those of us who had the fortitude to wait in line. Sorry about your life. You made your choice.