subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man scared to go out

A MAN would quite like to get a breath of fresh air but is concerned that he may not be allowed to do so. 

Jamie Bates of Market Drayton is in the mood for a bit of a stroll to blow the cobwebs off this afternoon, but fears that he may be chased down by an angry mob and strung up from a lamppost, or at the least tutted at.

He said: “At least in lockdown you knew the f**king rules.

“We’ve got the day off, I’ll watch the bit of the funeral that’s on this morning, have a light lunch then go out for a walk. Or can I? Or will something happen?

“There’s nothing official saying you have to stay in. It’s not, like, a law. Nothing’s going to happen to me if I take a stroll, is it? If I wear my baseball cap and sunglasses so nobody knows it’s me?

“Maybe I’ll go by the farm track, then if anyone starts shouting I can just melt into the cornfields like a shadow. This is ridiculous. I’m just scaring myself.”

Bates then spent the rest of the day inside, drawing the curtains when playing on his Xbox ‘just in case’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six bank holiday activities that can't cause offence, surely to God

FEELING cheated because doing anything fun on your day off will be frowned upon by the mourning police? You might just get away with these: 

Listen to music

There’s no harm in this, with a single caveat. Don’t put on anything upbeat or cheerful in case the neighbours hear. Stick to Leonard Cohen and Adele, or if you’re not into those glum bastards put a track you hate on repeat. You’ll feel suitably dejected and hopeless after two hours of Oxide & Neutrino’s Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty). 

Have an indoors day trip

Replicate a family day out without leaving the house by arranging the dining chairs in a car configuration, getting the kids to be proper little bastards for two hours, bollocking them, then all huddling together under an umbrella in the shower. Throw £65 out of the window to cover the cost of drinks and burgers. Get back in your dining chairs.

Have sex

No-one will know you’ve had sex and it’s technically not illegal. It might feel thrillingly taboo and kinky doing it with the funeral on TV. As long as the camera doesn’t linger too long on particular members of the crowd.

Make a lovely roast dinner

There’s nothing like a leg of lamb or a crispy roast chicken with all the trimmings. However, this hinges on you having picked up all the ingredients yesterday, when the shops were thronged because of today. If not you’ll be sitting down to tinned tuna, oven chips and HP Sauce for gravy, a meal so miserable it’s entirely fitting.

Exercise

Your options are limited here. You’ll never round up enough for five-a-side, but Subbuteo will give your forefinger a decent workout. Jogging is a possibility, but it’s round your lounge avoiding the coffee table. You’ll be okay with a game of swingball though. Not even the most fervent royalist could accuse swingball of being fun.

Totally waste the bank holiday like you normally do

Start out with a plan like updating your CV, putting all the crap in the garage on Gumtree or getting to work on your screenplay. Then listlessly watch YouTube videos for six hours. Dispirited, you shovel down beans-on-toast and hey presto! It’s time for bed and work again tomorrow.

Next story ›