Subscribe

Gen Alpha discovers Lemmy was not a religious figure

13-YEAR-OLDS are learning that Lemmy, widely known as St Kilmister of Motörhead, was not canonised by any major church and their fathers were lying. 

Josh Hudson had grown up believing tales of paralysed rockers rising from their wheelchairs and walking, healed by the sheer force of Lemmy’s noise assault, only to learn on Wikipedia he was nothing but the bassist in a metal band.

He said: “So the whole bit about him wearing his warts with pride because he refused to use his holy powers to heal himself? That was just bollocks?

“I thought he had to be some sort of divine hermit because why else would he have that facial hair? Instead I’ve learned he spent his life on speed and collected Nazi regalia. It’s quite the comedown.”

Father Wayne said: “I brought Josh up to play music loud, not trust the government, and stay away from the needle.

“If he got confused and thought Lemmy said all that from a cloud in heaven and not on a string of albums from 1977 to 2015 that helped shape the genre of metal and never dipped in quality, that’s on him.”

Josh said: “It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real. From now on I’m only taking life advice from the music of my generation, sensible stuff about dealing and going to prison for knife crime.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Next emergency alert to warn against texting your ex

THE next emergency alert sent to all residents of the UK without warning will warn against sending a text to your ex. 

Millions of Britons will be idly scrolling through a former partner’s social media accounts when their phone will light up with an alarming noise and an all-caps warning that texting ‘U up?’ will only result in heartbreak and humiliation.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Fair enough, Friday’s wildfire alert was a bit heavy-handed. But we’re ready to make up for it.

“In terms of threats to your wellbeing, texting your ex is on a par with incoming nuclear weapons. That’s why we’re acting to protect the UK’s lovelorn dumpees before they commit acts of incalculable self-harm.

“The message will explain that she has likely moved on already, that just because there is no boyfriend in the photos does not mean there is no boyfriend, and even firing over a supposedly funny meme will expose you as a desperate loser.

“It will also remind you that you have done this before, that it has never led to a positive outcome, and finish ‘DON’T MAKE A TWAT OF YOURSELF’ before a link to Pornhub and actionable instructions on how to rub one out. To help the crisis pass.”

Alert-receiver Tom Booker said: “Is there any way to turn off these messages? The cacophonous noise nearly woke my wife up.”

Next story ›