OLIVIA Colman appeared in the Miu Miu show at Paris Fashion Week and made it perfectly clear it is one more f**king chore to get through. Here’s how to get that look:
Be given a leather skirt and mutter ‘oh for f**k’s sake’
Leather outerwear, apart from a classic jacket, is a tough ask for anyone, let alone the over-50s. Leather trousers, leather coats, all carry the vibe of the ex-boyfriend encountered 30 years later who, incredibly, is still in the same failing band. Ask ‘Have you not got anything less showy?’ then irritably put it on.
Refuse to wear high heels
You conceded on the skirt, telling yourself maybe it might work on date night if you hadn’t let those lapse in 2024. But when the bright-eyed girl dressing you pulls out a pair of five-inch snakeskin heels your patience snaps. ‘Put those on Kylie bloody Jenner,’ you tell her, ‘I’m not falling on my arse.’ And thus you go down the catwalk in sensible flats.
Accept the jacket
It’s a nice jacket, and after all it is autumn. Long enough to flatteringly hide the bum. Yes, this jacket not only suits you, it’s an absolute keeper. At which point you’re told that no way will you be allowed to keep it because it’s couture, costs £38,000 and has already been reserved by Queen Rania of Jordan.
Shrug off attempts to get your hair done
‘I thought this was about representing my style,’ you snap at the man attempting to piss about with your hair and make it resemble a bird’s nest that only a 19-year-old breathtaking beauty could get away with. ‘Just put it in a ponytail. That’s what I had it in to drop the kids off at university, so it’ll do for this.’
Insist on a black top
They’re bringing out all kinds of fancy shit, but you know what suits you and it isn’t fuchsia. Nor is it anything that has too low a neckline or exposes your belly. ‘Haven’t you got a nice V-neck?’ you ask and a runner is sent out to H&M to buy one and cut the labels out.
Put your hands in your pockets and look annoyed
You’re an actor. You’ve got an Oscar. And still you have to do this kind of shit? You don’t see David Mitchell on the catwalk but apparently you’re brilliant ‘stunt casting’ and the publicity will bring in funding for your next film, so off we bloody go down the catwalk and back. And after this you’ve got to go to a party with K-Pop idols. Your f**king life.
