DONALD Trump has announced that he ‘loves’ Sydney Sweeney after it emerged she’s a registered Republican. It’s a lot to process, but here’s how to ensure your relationship survives.
Focus on what you’ve got with Sydney
The last thing you want is to go off Sydney because you keep thinking of Trump. Focus on all the things you love doing together – watching her in films, looking at pictures of her tits, wanking. For God’s sake don’t let petty, irrational jealousy ruin a solid relationship like that.
Remember she is probably not a MAGA Republican
There are other Republicans besides MAGA. Admittedly they’re evil, healthcare-denying, Middle East-destabilising scum, but they’re still better than the racist, pigshit-thick MAGA rubes. And even if Sydney was a MAGA type, the distanced nature of your relationship means she can’t harangue you in person with QAnon bullshit about Obama assassinating Hulk Hogan with a Jewish space laser.
Maintain a good sex life
Intimacy strengthens any relationship, and you still find Sydney very attractive, so continue to have romantic evenings together. She might even go to the effort of wearing sexy underwear – in fact she definitely will if you google ‘sydney sweeney lingerie’.
Sydney is nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein
The Republicans may be blatantly covering up sex crimes, but it’s unlikely Sydney is in favour of underage sex trafficking. And despite the jeans controversy, she’s probably not a white supremacist either. If true, both of these things would mean you’d have to end your relationship. Unless she did something adorable like cutting your toast into little hearts.
She must know Trump is only interested in her for votes
It’s easy to see Trump as a love rival after he showered Sydney with praise. But resist these thoughts – Sydney is smart enough to know that Trump is always trying to boost his own popularity by association. Also imagining her having sex with Trump, naked except for his badly-applied tan, nappy and whatever medical devices he’s got down there, could result in you never being able to keep a meal down again.
Continue to enjoy her films together
We often separate the artist from their art, so you and Sydney can still have regular film nights ‘together’. Admittedly these are different to actual couples’ film nights insofar as they tend not to choose films with mostly bad reviews, fast-forward to the tits and sit there masturbating, but it would be a good way to get through generic toss like Jurassic World Rebirth.
Have a quiet word about the double denim
Trump has praised Sydney’s jeans advert, and it is definitely problematic. She looks terrible in double denim and must never wear it again. That is a reasonable request to make in a relationship. If you found double denim sexy you’d be wanking over Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi performing Whatever You Want.
