How to pull Taylor Swift while she's on the rebound

7th June 2023

TAYLOR Swift has split up with boyfriend Matty Healy of The 1975. All’s fair in love and war, so here’s how to worm your way into Ms Swift’s affections while she’s at a low ebb.

Familiarise yourself with her hits

If you’re not a fan, listening from everything from Tim McGraw to Karma will be a pain in the arse, but you can’t risk saying something like ‘I loved I Kissed a Girl’. Luckily Taylor’s pretty talented so it could be a lot worse. You could be trying to shag Adele.

Be a shoulder to cry on

Taylor’s bound to still be upset about her break-up. Listen to her woes sympathetically and offer comforting hugs. This sets the scene nicely for more physical contact later, preferably of a sexual nature. That’s just Sleazy Bloke Skills 101.

Get her pissed

Going to the pub with Taylor will be a nightmare, with people wanting selfies all the time and blokes trying it on. God, men are pathetic. A better bet is Taylor coming over to watch a film and drink loads of Prosecco. Sadly, her favourite movie is Love Actually, so you’ll have to sit through that pile of shit again. However we are talking about beautiful rich megastar Taylor Swift here, so it’s probably a bit much to ask that she’s into Stalingrad as well.

Don’t try to teach her the riff to Smoke on the Water

You might think your guitar skills impress women, but Taylor is already a proficient guitarist so she can probably work out this simple riff herself. Definitely don’t insult her with Wild Thing.

Subtly badmouth previous boyfriends

Blatantly slagging exes to get your leg over is a bad look, but you don’t want Taylor moping on tediously about Matty. Diss him in a subtle but damning way, eg. ‘I just can’t see him appreciating you fully as a person.’ That should ensure they are never ever ever getting back together.

Make it clear you are not a ‘stan’

While you love Taylor’s music, you are not one of her legion of demented super-fans who’d gladly rip out the intestines of anyone who crosses her. She’s probably quite freaked out by them herself, so she doesn’t need you offering to kill Ed Sheeran if he’s keeping her off the number one spot. By all means kill him anyway, it’s just not critical to shagging Taylor.

Avoid the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Taylor probably doesn’t want to be reminded of going out with Tom Hiddleston, and who can blame her? And judging by Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, you won’t be missing much.

Remember she’s the highest-paid female entertainer in the world

Taylor won’t expect you to match her $95 million annual earnings, but you’d better stop doing tightarse boyfriend things like only ordering pizza if there’s a two-for-one deal on, or getting a small box of Celebrations for her birthday. Now you think about it, maybe there’s a connection between £3 boxes of Maltesers and your many failed relationships.

Try to forget she’s the highest-paid female entertainer in the world

Ironically, if your sexual opportunism works out, the pressure of shagging Taylor Swift may be too much and complete erectile dysfunction ensues. Set your sights lower next time. Keep your eye on the relationship statuses of Little Mix.

Massacring the butter, and other annoying as f**k things your partner does in the kitchen

7th June 2023

PERPETUALLY sloshing olive oil all over the place because your partner never puts the lid back on properly? They probably do these other things too:

Massacring the butter

That neat rectangular block of butter, or tub of margarine, has been purposefully shaped in such a way that you can glide your knife easily over the surface. So why does your partner feel the need to gouge deep holes at random that leaves it looking like a vicious miniature battle has just happened on it? Are they an animal? It seems so.

Not being arsed to put lids back on properly

It takes approximately three seconds to screw the lid back on a bottle, yet your partner is so busy and important that they don’t have the time, leaving you cleaning up various liquids that have slopped everywhere when you pick it up. Well, they’re either busy and important or just f**king irritating, lazy bastards.

Putting empty jars back in the fridge

OK, so there is a tiny blob of jam left in the jar that would cover one square inch of toast, but that does not mean the excuse ‘it’s not finished yet’ will wash. You’ve got a fridge crammed with empty condiment containers because neither one of you is prepared to crack and go to the effort of cleaning them out.

Uses every utensil, dish and pan possible

When you cook, you use your equipment as efficiently impossible, washing up as you go so there’s minimal mess left for your partner to clear up after. When they do it they appear to be on a dedicated mission to use every single item in the kitchen, and leave it all lying around on the worktop for you to sort out later. The absolute bellend.

Letting the recycling pile creep up the wall

Rather than noting that the recycling box is full and needs to be taken outside, your partner just keeps adding things to the top, so that what would have been a manageable amount to pick up is now a wobbly Jenga tower of stinky old wine bottles and baked bean cans that will come crashing down all over the kitchen floor if you so much as look it it. Leave them now. They’ll never improve.