JK ROWLING has accused Emma Watson of being ‘ignorant of how ignorant she is’ in a lengthy screed on X, formerly Twitter. It could be you next. Be ready to take these actions:
Report it to Elon
Go to the three dots menu and click ‘report post’. Sure, X is owned by Elon Musk, who is also a super-rich loony with transphobic views, but X’s large and diligent team of moderators are sure to clamp down on abuse immediately. That’s why the site is such a pleasure to use.
Call the police
Obviously it’s physically impossible to ignore a stupid online spat by just not reading X, so make some nasty comments yourself then call 999. After the criticism the police have received for arrests over tweets they’ll be delighted to know you still have faith in them.
Prepare to fend off a Cruciatus Curse
Rowling must be able to do magic, because otherwise Hogwarts isn’t real and Britain is not ready to hear that. So any number of spells could be headed your way, the most obvious choice being the Cruciatus Curse which causes intense pain. Harry was protected by his murdered mother’s love. When was the last time you called your mother? Oh.
Be careful of Harry Potter fans
Fanbases are extremely toxic in our internet age, so look out for rampaging Harry Potter fans roaming the streets, scarves waving, wands held in attack posture. If caught, try to lead pursuing Ravenclaws into a band of Hufflepuffs and let their internecine conflicts consume them.
Go into hiding
Rowling can hunt you down if she wants to. Private detectives, mercenaries, and contract killers are waiting to take her calls. Your only option is to flee to another country and live under a false identity for the rest of your life. Admittedly she might forget about you and move on to a row with the local council about trans flags, but can you take that chance?
Get everyone to stop using X
Without X Rowling has no audience, so all you need to do is get its 400 million or so users to stop. Perhaps fill the site with virulent racists, crazed Trump apologists or just bots posting the same shit videos with the same tired headings repeatedly. Nobody would want to stay on that site. Certainly not 400 million people.
Suggest Joanne does something useful with her time
Anyone, let alone a successful author and multi-millionaire, could find better ways to spend days than obsessively posting about trans people and making legal threats to randoms like yourself. Admittedly people have been saying this for years, but maybe yours will be the 1,675,209th post that tips the balance?
