I wasn't stuck in anything, says Cameron sheep

A SHEEP has claimed that David Cameron was doing something other than rescuing it.

The prime minister has been hailed as a hero for allegedly saving the animal after it became stuck in boggy ground.

However ewe Emma Bradford has questioned the official version of events.

She said: “The ground was moderately damp at best. As a sure-footed ruminant I was in no peril.

“It was a perfectly normal afternoon, I was grazing with occasional breaks to stare into the middle distance looking for predators.

“Suddenly I heard a cough and a pair of Cuprinol-coloured hands was yanking at my wool.

“I was aware of a figure behind me, and had the feeling of leisurewear pressed against my hind quarters. I couldn’t see the man but I recognised the voice, he was saying Samantha didn’t understand him any more.

“Those manicured hands were literally everywhere. I could feel his hot breath as he nibbled my ear tag and called me Angela.

“My first thought was to run for a gate or stile, but all exits to the field were blocked by armed police. I bleated furiously.

“My farmer arrived just as things were about to turn really ugly.

“The prime minister unhanded me, handed him a crisp £50 note and was on his way without a backwards glance.”



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Kim Jong Un to manage Carlisle United

CARLISLE United has installed North Korean tactical genius Kim Jong Un as manager.

Currently hovering above the League One relegation zone, the club believes it can avoid the drop with Un’s blend of focus, determination and implacable hatred of America.

Keeper Adam Collin said: “He’s got us working on our ball retention and keeping our shape in defence as well as building a 75 foot bronze statue of him beating up a dragon.

“The gaffer will bring a new discipline to the club. Sorry I meant to say ‘The Glorious Dawning Sun’. One of the youth players called him ‘gaffer’ this morning and now his family have disappeared.”

But the move has forced outgoing local MP Roy Hobbs to resign from the club’s board of directors. Hobbs is now moving to Cardiff to run a Sue Ryder shop.

Un’s short and long-term goals for the team are avoiding relegation and crushing the imperial West under the boots of The Free Peoples Of Carlisle United, as well improving the training facilities.

He has already complained to the FA that the club should actually be on 128 points after 41 games with five extra points awarded in honour of his arrival.

The new-look squad, featuring Un up front and 10 members of the Supreme People’s Assembly, will play Oldham on Saturday with Un promising to score a minimum of 50 million goals.

Collins said: “He just wants people to ignore all the stuff you read in the press about him and let his football do the talking.

“Or die.”