I would take them out with darts like Rambo, says Bristow

ERIC Bristow would go on a deadly darts rampage if he was threatened by abusers, he has announced.

The former darts champion has described how he would kill paedophiles with lethal throwing skills acquired during decades of playing darts.

Bristow said: “The moment I saw a nonce creeping up on me I’d whip out my arrows and put one in his forehead like I was going for double top.

“Then I’d do a commando roll like Rambo, and when I came up again I’d have another dart ready. That would go straight in his heart, killing him instantly.

“If there were lots of perverts after me I’d use my spare pack of darts then improvise with whatever dart-like objects were around, such as a sharpened pencil through the throat.

“If the odds were overwhelming I’d retreat to a rooftop and pick them off one-by-one like a deadly ‘darts sniper’.

“Once they were all dead I’d come out with a humorous quip like ‘One hundred and eighty!’. Then I’d drink nine or 10 pints of lager.”

He added: “To be honest they probably wouldn’t attack me in the first place because no one wants to fight a super-fit professional sportsman.”

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Theresa May thinks Kate Bush is shit


THERESA May has thanked Kate Bush for her kind words but regrets she cannot return them because Bush’s music is ‘hippy crap’. 

After Bush described her as ‘wonderful’, the prime minister said she was delighted to receive support from a respected artist but she only wished it was one who did not swish around in the woods like a demented sex nymph.

She continued: “It is heartening to be praised by one of the creative community, ordinarily tediously left-wing, but sadly I have a passing familiarity with Mrs Bush’s work and it is unmitigated drivel.

“A damper collection of dope-smoking saucer-eyed warbling one cannot imagine. It makes me itch to bring back witch trials.

“If, in my English Lit O-level class, a girl summed up Wuthering Heights as ‘Heathcliff, let me in at your window’ we’d know jolly well she’d only skimmed the first three chapters.”

She added: “I only own one CD, it is of romantic and patriotic songs sung by a pair of soldiers called ‘Robson & Jerome’. I listen to it in the car sometimes. It is very good.”