Smoker stops fannying about with ridiculous 'vaping'

A SMOKER has stopped messing around with ‘e-cigarettes’ and gone back to the real thing.

32-year-old Nikki Hollis admits she wasted three years of her smoking life by fiddling about with fruit-flavoured mist.

She said: “I bought an expensive vape and learned to distinguish between ‘Funky Melon’ and ‘Midnight Cherry’ flavours, but I was living a lie. You can’t smoke liquid, the very idea is insane.

“Being back on the fags feels like coming home. I’m back up to 30 a day now, including one as soon as I wake up.

“There’s no way lung disease will get me before the actions of Donald Trump do.”

She added: “After such a long break, the day’s first fag actually gives me a ‘body buzz’ again. Remember that? It’s a wonderful, dizzy feeling.”



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Britain ready to find out what the f**k it bought yesterday

BRITAIN is eagerly waiting for whatever the fuck it bought yesterday to arrive. 

Consumer goods bought over ‘Cyber Monday’ will begin arriving from this morning, surprising shoppers who remember only that these items were incredible bargains. 

Account manager Donna Sheridan said: “New packages arrive hourly, the contents of each a mystery. 

“From 8am Friday I had at least 18 tabs open at any one time, and I was usually at checkout stage on at least one of them. 

“I dimly remember thumbing my credit card number into my phone while in traffic on the A34 at some point. I don’t remember what for but at the time I felt strongly that it would complete me as a person.

“There are so many cardboard boxes stacked outside my house it resembles an alleyway in Starsky & Hutch.”