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'Imagine how many songs I could get out of calling this off at the last minute'

TAYLOR Swift is contemplating just how many hit songs would come from cancelling her wedding just before it happened.

The 36-year-old is set to wed an American man of farm-assured breeding stock tomorrow, but cannot stop thinking about the commercial possibilities of fleeing the venue barefoot at the last minute.

She said: “I definitely love him or whatever, I’ve written those songs. But if I look at this with my marketing hat on, what would really shift units?

“Marital bliss with a podcast bro? Or me running out of Madison Square Garden in a wedding dress, face streaked with mascara, leaping into a yellow cab and commanding him to ‘just drive’? God, imagining that video’s giving me shivers. Two billion views, easy.

“And while I could write a dozen songs about marital bliss with whatsisface tomorrow, they’re not relatable. Unlike a soul-baring double album about my doubts and fears and last-minute decision to centre myself with soaring strings.

“Look at the facts. All Too Well, Blank Space, Anti-Hero: heartbreak scores hits. I could call it The Wedding Album. Six limited-edition transparent vinyls with different coloured confetti in.”

After dismissing the idea as nothing but pre-wedding nerves, Swift is expected to come up with a hook-laden killer chorus and middle eight for a song called Coldest Feet as she walks down the aisle tomorrow.

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We will not rest until we have converted all the straights. By the Council of Gays

LONDON Pride is being billed as a vibrant celebration of diverse sexualities, but secretly we have only one aim: converting all straight people, especially older white men.

It is obvious that gays would want to make everyone gay, because then there will be more for us to choose from. And Pride and related activities are the tools we will use to successfully change millions of people’s lifelong sexual orientations. 

Mere proximity to an LGBT+ flag begins turning your DNA gay. Seeing thousands of homosexuals marching through London on TV will cause previously straight men to view female breasts with disgust. Soon after they will fill their homes with Robert Mapplethorpe prints in order to look at men’s arses 24/7.

Straight women will be similarly affected, getting butch haircuts and developing an instant love of k.d. lang. They will, naturally, start fancying all their female friends regardless of attractiveness.

Some perceptive individuals, often described as ‘bigots’ or ‘gammons’, know what we gays are up to. They are right to be worried. The pinnacle of gay attractiveness is an overweight, red-faced, grey-haired man who votes Reform. It is our dream that every gay club is filled with these ageing adonises. 

Our greatest ally in our warped plan is open-mindedness. Every time someone says ‘live and let live’ or ‘if people love each other they should be able to get married’ we are one step closer to our sexual dictatorship in which everyone in the UK is constantly having gay sex, even your dear old mum, for some reason.

At this point you may be thinking that predatory gays wanting to make other people gay sounds suspiciously like outdated homophobic nonsense. But no, it’s a definite plan we came up with, in between listening to YMCA and calling each other ‘duckie’.

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