It was an actual snake, reveals LBC

RADIO station LBC has apologised for employing an actual snake which had disguised itself as a woman. 

The snake’s pretence was revealed when a producer glimpsed it in a mirror and realised he was the hypnotised slave of a serpent hissing insidious hatred.

An LBC spokesman said: “Not one of those big snakes. More small, brightly coloured, and highly venomous.

“It would coil around the microphone, whispering its poison, all the while maintaining it wasn’t a snake at all.

“Anyway, we got it on the end of a stick and got rid of it. So tune in for LBC’s Vile Slimy Toad hour every Monday to Thursday from 7pm.”

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Men get their horrible legs out

MEN have decided that today is nice enough to be ruined by them exposing their horrible, gnarled, white legs to the world. 

The sunny weather has prompted men across Britain to swap their perfectly good trousers for some ill-advised shorts and give everyone something to look away from. 

Helen Archer of Cardiff said: “Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. 

“God, you know when you leave a potato under the sink and it extends this long white tuberous root desperately questing for sunlight? Like that. 

“Take it from a woman, you can’t just ignore your legs for eight months then expect them to be perfectly presentable.”

She added: “I promise I will never complain that jeans are boring again.” 

Co-worker Nathan Muir said: “Think I’ll wear sandals tomorrow. Let my verrucas breathe a bit.”