Kate Winslet awarded CBE for baffling fashion choices

Kate Winslet has been honoured by the Queen for her services to sartorial bewilderment.

The actress has been photographed dressed as a ferret, an elderly soviet farmer from the 40s and wearing an all-in-one suit made entirely from lead tiles.

The Queen averted her eyes as she told Winslet: “I thought you were very good when you were a Nazi. And I liked the one when you were all wet.”

Kate Winslet said: “I never expected to receive this honour. But people have stopped asking me about my ‘womanly curves’ now I turn up to stuff in scuba gear.

“The headlines used to say ‘is she pregnant?’. Now they say ‘is she insane?’ which I prefer.”



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Britain to probably have some electricity

THERE is a reasonable chance Britain will still have electricity in two year’s time, according to the government’s long-awaited energy bill.

The bill sets out the coalition’s bold scheme to think about where Britain is going to get some electricity, with the first thoughts expected to happen towards the end of next year.

And as long as the thinking proposals get the necessary planning permission, the first ‘Electricity Suggestion’ should appear by Autumn 2014.

Energy minister Ed Davey said: “Before I start thinking I will need to spend at least six months finding out what electricity is and what it’s used for. For instance, is it a liquid? And if it is, does it go off?

“And if I drink a pint of electricity will I still have to go to the toilet?”

Mr Davey reckons there could be at least 17,000 options for generating electricity such as knitting it, trapping it in a hole that has been covered with leaves and branches and using specially trained pigs to find it in forests.

It can then be ground down into a powder and delivered to people’s homes by the Royal Mail.  Mr Davey added: “You then simply mix it with water and pour it over your appliances until the light comes on.”

But household bills are likely to go up to fund the development of reusable sachets and sustainable electricity pigs.

Energy consultant Martin Bishop said: “Ed Davey is still not sure if he’s actually got his name the right way round.

“It’s going to be just fine.”