Kirstie Allsopp 'eats handfuls of dry Horlicks'

TV PROPERTY and lifestyle guru Kirstie Allsopp lives in unbelievable squalor, it has emerged.

Police were called to the presenter’s property after neighbours complained about the stench of rotting pork and the low, keening sound of a distressed animal.

The homemaker was discovered crouching under her coffee table surrounded by hundreds of soiled, shredded copies of Love It! magazine. She was eating fistfuls of Horlicks powder and laughing maniacally.

Neighbourhood Watch coordinator Wayne Hayes said “When we went into her kitchen, there was a cat sat atop what I believe was a pile of broken computers smeared in human dung. A toy cat.

“The bathroom was waist-deep in loo roll tubes, and contained a half-used, open bottle of limited edition Matey from 1999.

“And from the cereal bowls heaped ceiling-high in the sink it appears that Kirstie’s breakfast of choice is strawberry jam mixed with soil.”

A Channel Four spokesman said: “Television presenters are often quite different to their on-screen personas. For example, Kirstie’s co-host Phil Spencer has a passion for aggressive dogs and runs a business called Trojan Bully Kennels.

“His back is criss-crossed with machete scars.”

He added: “However, anyone who purchased Kirstie’s Home Living Scat Cushion should know it wasn’t a typo and must burn the product at the bottom of their garden.”



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Army to hold pistols sideways

THE British Army is to modernise its pistol-holding techniques with positions up to and including sideways.

The Army will train all soldiers to hold the standard-issue weapon horizontally in a bid to attract recruits who would otherwise join street gangs or the police.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “Our current style of pistol holding is insufficiently masculine. Sideways will make our soldiers feel like giant, invincible erections.”

But Wayne Hayes, a surly, ill-educated bastard from Doncaster said: “I’m not joining until they can teach me how to make a bullet swerve in mid-air.”