McKellen to return to stage as McKellen the White

ACTOR Ian McKellen is to return to the West End stage, following a disastrous fall into darkness, purer and more powerful than ever. 

The 85-year-old thespian was rushed to hospital after falling off stage at the Noël Coward theatre, but amazed doctors by making an instantaneous recovery while transmuting to his final and most formidable form.

Ambulance driver Tom Booker said: “It was a standard injured pensioner, 14 hours in the ambulance and 22 on a trolley before being prescribed aspirin and sent home.

“But then, while we sat there, a strange white light enveloped his body and his shabby Falstaff costume transformed into immaculately white robes, which doesn’t usually happen.

“He picked up his staff, muttered something about being the sole emissary of the Valar, hopped out the back door still glowing ethereally and headed purposefully back to the theatre. I reckon he’ll be back on stage tomorrow. Didn’t give us complementary tickets.”

McKellen the White said: “Following my epic battle with gravity and the floor, I have become more wise and powerful than McKellen the Grey ever was, though my knee’s still tricky.

“If you thought I could act before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ll be delivering Shakespearean soliloquies like a mother f**ker and improvising new stuff worthy of the bard himself, all in perfect iambic pentameter.

“I can also control metal like Magneto.”

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Lovely husband comes back with sodding extra light flow tampons

A CARING, thoughtful husband has come back from the shops with a box of tampons that would barely work for a minor nosebleed. 

Joe Turner, aged 31, is so sensitive to wife Emma’s needs he was not only able to ascertain his wife was on her period, he went out of his own accord to buy her the requisite items only to ruin it by getting entirely the wrong kind.

He said: “I noticed that she was out of sanitary products. So I dashed out to get her the tampons she needed, paracetamol for PMS headaches, and a kale smoothie as a treat. Because I’ve noticed menstruation can make her look and feel very run down.

“I didn’t buy Super Plus because it implies she has a massive fanny. And women can be sensitive about that.”

Emma Turner said: “An extra light flow tampon? On day one? It’s about as much use up there as a packet of Rizla.

“Even on my lightest days I’ve never used them. And paracetamol? I’ve been taking doctor-prescribed codeine for my cramps since I was thirteen. The kale smoothie looked lovely spiralling down the drain. I’m on the Jaffa Cakes.

“I’d honestly prefer he was terrified of the word ‘period’ than this buillshit. Bring back the days when men were men and didn’t pretend they knew anything we go through.”